The NOW REPLACED Original fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

The 5K Run for Autism @ Caldwell College

2010-04-12T15:50:00.001-04:00

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The Domanski's take to fitness.

25 Sep 2009

2009-09-25T20:27:00.001-04:00

25 September 2009

Hi Everyone!

Happy New Year to all (whether you’re jewish or not)! Think good wishes for me on Tuesday … I’ll need ‘em! Thanks!! Have a fab weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands – Twitteleh
• Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
• Barbara Rosenberg – Tonto
• Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
• Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
• Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
• Stan – Riddles & School Work
• Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
• Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
• cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands –
Twitteleh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Very cute … many of you can identify … note, my mother IS the classic Jewish mother! (DrB)

http://www.israellycool.com/2009/09/17/twitteleh/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/2646973

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg - Tonto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you ?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/2646969

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ..... . .................................................. there ya Gogh!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan – Riddles & School Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings.

When was beef the highest it has ever been?
When the cow jumped over the moon.

What did the bully say to the stamp?
"I bet I can lick you."

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry

Why don't crabs share?
Because they are shellfish

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light.

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese!

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate!

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Paradox": Two doctors

Use "Reverend" in a sentence: Teacher says if I don't study I'll be in this grade for REVEREND Ever.

Bloopers and other errors of grammar: Sign at a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Labels: Never iron clothes while they are being worn -- on a household iron.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's a hard disk in 1956... a hard disk drive with 5 MB storage.

In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer hard disk drive. The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a total 5 MB of data.

So start appreciating your one ounce 16 GB memory stick which has 3200 times the capacity of this monster!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(If you don’t know this Yiddish word, you should! :) DrB)
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time.

"Excuse me, Sir. Thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price of 25 cents has gone up to 35 cents."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

friday 4 Sep 2009

2009-09-04T11:28:00.000-04:00

4 September 2009

Hi Everyone!

Gotta do this and leave for the holiday weekend! YAY!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
• Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
• Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
• Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
• Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
• Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
• Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
• Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
• MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
• Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While in Amsterdam, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Jus wait two weeks, it fawl off by self!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hit Or Miss --From Ladyhawk-

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts,.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.

Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big People Words ...

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk"!

'You need to use "Big People" words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John 'What he had done over the weekend?'

'I went to visit my Nana'.

She said. 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use "Big People"
words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People" words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!', the teacher said, 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Before leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, 'it will cost 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

Why do fish have such huge phone bills?
Because when they get on the line they can't get off.

How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
You put lox on it.

What does a bee wear when it is cold?
A Yellow Jacket

Why were the elephants the last animals to leave the ark?
They had to pack their trunks.

What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
Let's go in for a quick dip

Why are false teeth like stars?
Because they come out at night!

What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
Cookie sheets.

Why were miniskirts once called "dogs"?
Because you could peek on knees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.break.com/index/dont-text-and-drive.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY - How about You?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self Testing for Swine Flu:

If you wake up looking like this:

don't go to work !

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

WE'RE MOVING!

2009-08-29T01:28:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the wonders of modern computing technology, the Original fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie is moving to a very very slightly new site.

SO, if you have a free subscription to the fUNNIES and want to continue receiving a FREE email with the new fUNNIES each week, please surf over to -- (TaDa ...)

http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/

and enter your email address into the Subscribe box. You'll get a verification screen to popup (to prevent spam), and a subsequent email that says you did good.

As always, I promise NEVER to give out your email address to anyone for anything whatsoever (actually, for me to get to the email address is nearly impossible!!)

Again, the new location for the fUNNIES is http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/

See ya on Fridays! And thanks! :) Dr Bernie

fRIDAY 28 Aug 2009

2009-08-28T16:52:00.004-04:00

28 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Chaos abounds as the summer draws to a close … hope these help! Best wishes for a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Old334Yankee – Our Health Care Plan
• Hank Levine via Barry – What Begins with F and ends with K?
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• David Melinkoff – Feed the Cat
• Irv Robbins – History Lesson
• Tom D – Actual Message on School Answering Machine
• indexed – Much Crying All Around
• Jerry Valentine – Wedded Bliss
• Paul Keister – The Bathtub Test
• Barbara Rosenberg – Why do we love children?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Old334Yankee – Our Health Care Plan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Health Care Plan: -From Mary Ann-

We're are going to pass a Helalth Care Plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it.

...passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it.

...signed by a President who also hasn't read it and who smokes.

...with funding administered by a Treasury Chief who didn't pay his taxes.

... overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a county that's nearly broke.

...What could possibly go wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – What Begins with F and ends with K?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What begins with F and ends with K

Ms. Brooks, a first-grade teacher, was having trouble with one of her
students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she asked such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Mrs Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes an octopus a good fighter?
He's very well armed.

Did the mummy have a good vacation?
Who knows? He was too wrapped up to tell.

Why is the "Middle Ages" frequently called the "Dark Ages."
Because there were so many knights

What did the mother say to the child's hair?
You are very knotty

Why did the schoolboy take a ladder to school?
It was high school.

What did the dentist see at the North Pole?
A molar bear

What goes up when the rain comes down?
Umbrellas

Why was the nanny goat so upset?
She had too many kids to take care of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM David Melinkoff – Feed the Cat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may like this Youtube video that was passed on to me, called "Feed the cat"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFz8F9-kz80

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Irv Robbins – History Lesson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(a little long, but an excellent ending! :) DrB)

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United Statesstandard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The
engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom D – Actual Message on School Answering Machine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
origin – Australia!

This is a sound file ... it should play in just about any media player! Just double click the link and it should download and play!

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/PodCasts/school.mp3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM indexed – Much Crying All Around
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Wedded Bliss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except … the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – The Bathtub Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No.." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??

Okay, so it's just silly, but I needed that today and thought you might too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Why do we love children?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do we love children??

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Friday 21 Aug 2009

2009-08-21T12:01:00.003-04:00

21 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

On the beach all week … my brain has truly turned into mush! Am hoping these can still crack you up!

Have a fab weekend!

************************************
* IMPORTANT -*
* Please visit
* http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
* Most of the email addresses used to send out
* the funnies with embedded pictures and videos
* became corrupt (damn computers!)
*
* If you could make 30 seconds to subscribe
* using the SUBSCRIBE box on the right of the
* page, I would be most grateful. And, as
* always, I promise to never give your email
* address out to anyone for anything!
*
* Ok? Thanks! :) Dr Bernie
*
************************************

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
• Syman – Actual Police Comments
• Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
• Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
• The Lie Detector Robot
• Chas Young – Math Puzzle
• Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
• Stan Kegel – Puns
• Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
• Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/card2223.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman – Actual Police Comments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual comments made by police officers around the country:

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymaore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we dont. Sign here."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition
for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.
Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man .

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, a leather harness,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real
jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the
sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda & Paul Keister – The Lie Detector Robot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home"? asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandants," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

" I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Math Puzzle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maya is 21 years older than her son Raju.
In 6 years from now Maya will be 5 times as old as Raju.

Question: Where's Maya's Husband ?

(There IS a mathematical solution for this..
Try it before scrolling down)

**********
**********
**********
...
..
..
...
..
..

..
..
..
...
...
..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
....
..
..
..
..

Solution:

Maya (MOM 'M') is 21 years older than Raju (Child 'C').

M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the
child.

M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 year old, that's -9 months.
Child will be born in 9 months.

So, right now, Maya's Husband is on top of her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. 600,000 people experienced both in the middle of nowhere
9. Both took place at Beth El
8. Both had people claiming to hear "God", except at one they were referring to Hendrix
7. God put on a much better psychedelic laser light show, sans the Grateful Dead
6. A nation was born (or at least conceived)
5. Both had "sex, drugs and rock 'n roll" although at one, the words "thou shalt not" preceded each of those things
4. Bearded hippies, in robes, all camping in tents, all calling each other "brother"
3. Wood stock is what they used to build the Ark of the covenant
2. Everyone says they know someone that was there
1. One had a lot more people dropping tablets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Puns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At what time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.

What did the envelope say to the stamp?
"Stick with me and we'll go places."

Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.

How do pigs write?
With a pigpen.

If a dime and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The dime, because it has less sense (cents).

On what kind of ships do students study?
Scholarships.

What did the class call the instructor’s dog?
Teacher’s pet

What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."

Why did the young lady go out doors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Inbred": The best way to eat salami.

Use "Alienate" in a sentence: "What happened when the ALIENATE those people?"

Grammar: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

The ambulance driver said he thought Grandma would be okay after her car hit several trees. But she's not out of the woods yet.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" "It's very simple. You're two tents."

It's very rare to find a steak this well done by a medium.

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a real fun video. Makes you want to get up and dance barnyard style!
Christians United for Israel 's (CUFI) version of

Hava Nagila - Texas style

Click HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS -----

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke..
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Practice Funny

2009-08-19T13:19:00.002-04:00

Trying to see if my fix to the RSS file is working ... please excuse ... here's a joke for your troubles ...

from Neil Stenlake

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real
jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the
sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Just a Test - Please Ignore

2009-08-19T13:00:00.001-04:00

Having problems with my RSS feed ... debugging a bit ... please forgive me! :) DrB

Friday 14 Aug 2009

2009-08-14T17:00:00.005-04:00

14 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Off to vacation next week – yay! Enjoy these … laugh a lot … and be jealous of me!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
• Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
• Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
• joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
• Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
• John Meeker – Miscommunication
• Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
• Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
• Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.

What game do mother hens play with their chicks?
Peck-a–boo

What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.

What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit.

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind.

Why did the little moron keep running around his bed?
He was trying to catch up with his sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking
Lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
Ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and
Coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
Years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better
Phone up the City Council and get them to send a new
Parking attendant . . . "

"Err ... . . No", said the Council, "that parking lot is your
Responsibility."

"Err ... . . No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the
Attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't
He?"

"Err ... . . No!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(presumably), is a man who had been taking the
Parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per
Day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7
Days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million
($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw

This is Kelly Pickler, one of the top 10 finalists in American Idol seen a few seasons back. She sings country music great, but even back then, you could see the dumb blondeness!

Give her 3 minutes … she’ll crack you up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Click on the image to enlarge it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC airport ticket agent offers 12 examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM John Meeker – Miscommunication
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try to remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found:

Sometimes things don't always “come out” the way you want them to ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guts vs. Balls

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

Even better... if you're old and live in California, once you've killed your share of senators and representatives (and or other government leeches), and after you've been tried and convicted, sent to prison for all your healthcare, dental, vision and dietary problems, The California government will release you to save money.

I really think we have a perfect solution!!!
Is America great or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up feeling pretty good today and then someone sent me this......

Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and Wally!

HOLY SHIT!! Are we really that old???

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 Aug 2009

2009-08-06T16:51:00.005-04:00

6 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Excellent fUNNIES this week – check ‘em out as you get depressed how the summer has flown by! All the best!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary

· Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …

· Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant

· Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet

· Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment

· Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings

· Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap

· Chas Young – The Nun and Gin

· cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm

· Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week was my birthday And I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought..Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office , I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office , My secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office , Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office , Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did

Sir," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"

asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!' ''

"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two lovely cat houses in Las Vegas and another one in Reno ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're an EXTREME REDNECK when:

1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.

3. You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different
night.

4. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey guys, watch
> this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your junior prom offered day care.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. You think the last words of the Stars Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start you engines.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in you card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because it's against
the law.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Nun and Gin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Nun was standing outside a pub door warning those entering of the dangers of drink.

One man stopped and asked her she had ever tasted alcohol, "No" she said.

"Then how can know it is evil if you have never tasted it. Have a drink and if you still think it's evil I'll believe you".

The nun thinks about this for a while and then says "I couldn't go in there".

"I'll get it for you, what would you like?"

"I'll have gin, but it wouldn't do for me to be seen out here drinking, could you get it in a tea cup for me?"

The man enters, goes up to the bar and orders a gin. "Could I have it in a tea cup please?"

"Is that bloody nun out there again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you who want to continue to be fire safety conscious during these difficult economic times...

No need to change batteries!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does anyone know where we can buy these??? :) DrB

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

friday 31 July 2009

2009-07-31T00:19:00.003-04:00

30 July 2009

Hi Everyone!

Too good … make a few extra minutes for these this week! Wishing you a super weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Stan Kegel – Are You Still 14? Then You’ll Love These!
• John Meeker - Wedding Entrance Dance
• Tom Sokolowski – Farmer John
• Responsive Joel – I Had a Dream
• StevenI – Truly Depraved!
• Paul Keister – Early Morning
• FeedBlitz – Candy is a Double-Edged Sword
• Chas Young – Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
• Chas Young – Jewish Humor
• Responsive Joel – A Short Note – The Truth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Are You Still 14? Then You’ll Love These!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy banks.

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Stick a finger in his eye.

Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend 25 years on a single sentence.

Why do lions eat raw meat?
Because they don't know how to cook.

Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first?
Because when you move one foot, the other one is always left behind.

What kind of coat has no sleeves, no buttons, no pockets and won't keep you warm?
A coat of paint.

How can you make a soup rich?
Add 14 carats to it.

Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.

How do you hunt bear?
With your clothes off

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM John Meeker - Wedding Entrance Dance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Farmer John
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Responsive Joel – I Had a Dream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I HAD A DREAM
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America,
the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not,
last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran and it was more beautiful than ever,
and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenI – Truly Depraved!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-motherlover/1099491/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – Early Morning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM FeedBlitz – Candy is a Double-Edged Sword
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Jewish Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.

'Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, '

My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you,
I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers,

'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

'Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?'

The man nodded and the Rabbi replied,

'Take the poison.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Responsive Joel – A Short Note – The Truth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS ONE IS SOOOOOOOO TRUE - PLEASE READ IT
Good one

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers,
or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and
compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their
hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Friday 17 July 2009

2009-07-16T18:12:00.003-04:00

16 July 2009

Hi Everyone!

Happy Weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Chuck – Mexico’s Borders

· Tom Sokolowski – Org Chart of the House Democrats Health Plan plus one

· Stan Kegel – Riddles

· FeedBlitz – We’re Not All Screwed Yet

· Elyse – Phone Repair

· Elyse – Jewish Humor

· Margaret Greenberg – Blondes on the Bus

· Dr Steve - This professor is a genius

· Dennis B-Reynaud - History Mystery

· Gary Wilson – In Florida

· Gerry Rusthoven - The Initials "AH"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck – Mexico’s Borders
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mexico_builds_border_wall_to_keep

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Org Chart of the House Democrats Health Plan plus one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The same guys who did such a great job with the economy, border security and Hurricane Katrina are now going to socialize health care. (Click the image to enlarge).

In These Depressed Times.......

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the outlaw hold up the bakery?

He kneaded the dough.

When is a horse not a horse?

When it turns into a stable.

What was a spider doing on the baseball team?

Catching flies.

Why did the outlaw brush his teeth with gunpowder?

So he could shoot his mouth off.

What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

A jeweler sells watches; a jailer watches cells.

Why didn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?

It used fowl language.

Why do prisoners like to eat a lot of sweets?

They are hoping to break out.

Why can't you keep a clock in jail?

Because time is always running out.

There were three tomatoes on a shelf. Two were ripe and one was green.

Which one is the cowboy?

The green one. The other two are redskins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM FeedBlitz – We’re Not All Screwed Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Phone Repair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Lawrence**, Kansas**, December 12, 2008* *A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

**Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by* *pissing and moaning.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Jewish Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives".

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?"?

Abe answers, "They'll find us.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Margaret Greenberg – Blondes on the Bus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr Steve - This professor is a genius
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan." All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dennis B-Reynaud - History Mystery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Gary Wilson – In Florida
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the Pharmacist ?'

The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation? '

Pharmacist: 'All kinds .'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'

Pharmacist: 'Definitely. '

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely. '

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Gerry Rusthoven - The Initials "AH"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 July 2009

2009-07-10T14:11:00.003-04:00

10 July 2009

Hi Everyone!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Hank Levine via Barry – Who Remembers Dr Epstein?

· SymanSays – It Could Be Verse

· Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

· Tom D - The Babies are makin' movies

· Tom Sokolowski – Which One?

· Sokolowski – Best Facebook Staus Message Ever

· Doug Kenny via EMDAlan – When Your Wife Gets Kidnapped

· Sokolowski – Dear Abby …

· Chas Young – 9 Months Later …

· Joanne Tenaglio AND from Tom Sokolowski – How to Make a Woman Happy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Who Remembers Dr Epstein?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who remembers Dr. Epstein?

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He raced out the stage door.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, one thing I have learned is that what seems embarrassing to me is never remembered by others. I bet that's true"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, now that I think about it, I believe you're right."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – It Could Be Verse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT COULD BE VERSE:

The Pun:

"A pun is the lowest form of wit,"

It does not tax the brain a bit;

One merely takes a word that's plain

And picks one out that sounds the same.

Perhaps some letter may be changed.

Or others slightly disarranged,

This to the meaning gives a twist,

Which delights the humorist;

A sample now may help to show

The way a good pun ought to go:

"It isn't the cough that carries you off, It's the coffin they carry you off in."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call two witches who live together?

Broom-mates.

What should the veterinarian do if a macaw suffers a mynah injury to his wing?

Re-Parrot (Gary Hallock)

What dozen birds look like a foot?

Twelve Finches. (James Ertner)

Which building has the most stories?

The library

What was the biologist doing at the department store?

He was looking for new genes.

Why is Alabama the smartest state?

Because it has 4 As and one B!

Why did the guy buy lots of pens before starting his new job?

He wanted to make his mark.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

How did the Star War Princess buy most of her clothes

On LEIA-way?

Why was the clock in prison?

It was just doing time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom D - The Babies are makin' movies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PHnRIn74Ag

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Which One?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A) Ed McMahon died last week. He was a great entertainer, but prior to his stage accomplishments he was a distinguished Marine Corps fighter pilot in WWII earning six Air Medals and attaining the rank of Colonel. He was discharged in 1946 and was later promoted to the rank of Brigadier General in the CA Air National Guard.

B) Farrah Fawcett died last week after a long career in Hollywood as an actress. After she was diagnosed with cancer, she became an activist for cancer treatment and devoted her last remaining years encouraging people to seek treatment. She documented her plight on film and used it to encourage others to stay positive and upbeat despite their diagnosis and suffering.

C) Michael Jackson died last week. He was perhaps one of the greatest singers of modern time. He will also be remembered for his eccentric lifestyle that included sleeping with a chimpanzee, living in a carnival-like atmosphere at Neverland, his fascination with Peter Pan, and his numerous masks and costumes.

He also admitted to finding pleasure sleeping with young boys and paying out millions of dollars in settlements to the families of these boys despite being acquitted by a court on one allegation of sexual molestation.

QUESTION 1- Which of the above did the House of Representatives declare a moment of silence for? (Hint - It wasn't the first two.)

QUESTION 2- Which of the above's family received a personal note of condolence from President Obama? (Hint - It wasn't the first two.)

Is this a great country or what????!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – Best Facebook Staus Message Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I dangled a blanket bundle over the veranda at lunch in a silent memorial, tears flowed freely. No one knew I was doing a Michael Jackson Tribute

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Doug Kenny via EMDAlan – When Your Wife Gets Kidnapped
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.blogger.com/video-play.mp4?contentId=3310bf4244d99d1a&type=video%2Fmp4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – Dear Abby …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'DEAR ABBY' ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered . I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – 9 Months Later …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Joanne Tenaglio AND from Tom Sokolowski – How to Make a Woman Happy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knowledge comes with age and experience!
Listen up, guys!

How Men Can Make a Woman Happy: It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

26 June 2009

2009-06-25T17:46:00.003-04:00

25 June 2009

Hi Everyone!

All over the place this week! Prepare yourself for anything! Have a super weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Maureen Zack – Good News for Golfers
• Chuck & Jeannie – Thinking of You
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Barbara Rosenberg – Sex After Death
• Neil Stenlake – The Two Brothers
• Linda Wright – The Old Straggly Cat
• Tom Sokolowski – The Economy is So Bad …
• Chas Young – The Future of Dating
• Tom Sokolowski – IKEA to Sell GM Cars
• Don – Sunday Service

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack – Good News for Golfers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed a what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up

well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How

old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this

morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about

your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still

living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went

golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got

married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want

to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck & Jeannie – Thinking of You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why was the clock in prison?
It was just doing time.

Why do cows wear bells?
So they can be herd

Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
Because you can't pull its leg.

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!

What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A Slowpoke

Why did the man go fishing?
Just for the halibut.

Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks

What kind of snacks do computers munch?
Microchips

What is the first thing you need to split an atom?
A fission licence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Sex After Death
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
" Marion ...Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – The Two Brothers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was always getting into trouble.

The other brother was very good.He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never very close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser.

The good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

Finally, the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years passed, the good brother passed away.
The good brother went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day the good brother went to God and asked, 'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I haven't seen him here in heaven.'

God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere.

I'm sorry to hear that,' the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.'

You can see him if you wish,' God said. 'I will give you the power to gaze into hell.'

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.

Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a barrel of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a barrel of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can't be that good.'

God explained. 'Things aren't always as they seem. The barrel has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda Wright – The Old Straggly Cat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Economy is So Bad …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The economy is soooo bad:
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernie Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Future of Dating
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – IKEA to Sell GM Cars
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Don – Sunday Service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

mONDAY mANIA - 22 jUNE 2009

2009-06-22T13:06:00.003-04:00

22 June 2009

Hi Everyone!

On hiatus for a couple of weeks … did you miss your fix of the fUNNIES? Well, lets get you pumped up again with a special issue of Monday Mania!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Tom Sokolowski – New Supermarket
• Jerry Valentine - Lipstick in School
• cousin Gaylannie – Mrs Rosenberg
• Stan Kegel – Riddles for Kids
• Steven Imberman – How to Hold onto Amtrak When in Motion
• Clark Kidd – Paying the Preacher
• Chas Young – The Light
• Barbara Rosenberg – Priceless Observations
• Maureen Zack – Vacationing Near Transylvania
• feedblitz – Especially if You’re Not Feeling Well

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Supermarket
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new supermarket opened in Arlington, VA. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine - Lipstick in School
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannie – Mrs Rosenberg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night."

The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is "completely booked."

Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.

"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take 'his' room."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."

"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."

In obvious disblief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"

"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."

The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and father?"

"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.

Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"

"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.

"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.

"Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Riddles for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What type of apparel is the most popular with attorneys?
Law-suits.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
(Marsha Coleman)

What type of arithmetic are waiters most proficient?
Multiplication as they have to know their tables.

What did the traffic-light say to the car?
Don't look now, I'm changing.

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.

What do Attila the Hun and Winnie the Poo have in common?
The same middle name

Why do cats eat furballs?
They love a good gag!

Why is it that the hearing of people who work on the railroad is
different from other's people hearing?
Because they have engine ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Steven Imberman – How to Hold onto Amtrak When in Motion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.

I am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Clark Kidd – Paying the Preacher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to
leave.

Sam Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up
and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Bob Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.
Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Light
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Priceless Observations ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priceless Observations Department:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
=2 0
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
0A
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers =2 0
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
20
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack – Vacationing Near Transylvania ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania .. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.

We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.

Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.

My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob Hill brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.

With that, Igor picks up Betty Hill and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!

He is further amazed as Betty and Bob Hill both sit up straight. Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM feedblitz – Especially if You’re Not Feeling Well
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES (and the once in a while published Monday Mania) is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

29 May 2009

2009-05-29T18:27:00.003-04:00

29 May 2009

Hi Everyone!

Hopefully, something for everyone! Have yourself a merry little weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· the FishWrapper via SymanSays - Prescription Labels

· StevenDDS – I Love It

· Barbara Rosenberg – Wedding Tip

· Neil Stenlake – Limp Duck

· cousin Gaylannie – Goodbye Mom

· Don – Faith

· EMDAlan – A Picture of …?

· The South Jersey Deviler via SymanSays – The Ring

· Jerry Valentine – Isnt That Precious?

· Regina Brett via Jerry Valentine - 45 Lessons Life Taught Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the FishWrapper via SymanSays - Prescription Lables
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food, and take with water." At the end of class the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had stuck one of the them onto his chemistry textbook. It read.

"Caution may cause extreme drowsiness."

(from DrB – this could apply to anything I teach!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenDDS – I Love It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man says to his wife, "what would you do if I won lotto?"

She says, "I’d take half then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won $12 bucks, here’s $6 now get lost!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Wedding Tip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, was generally bra-less, and had everything in all the right places. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter - Welcome to the Family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Limp Duck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead,' he replied

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '£150!', she cried.

'£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?'

The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannie – Goodbye Mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Don - Faith
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a small Texas town, a new bar started construction on a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM EMDAlan – A Picture of …?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is that Hillary... ??

What is she hanging on to,

His stimulus package?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM The South Jersey Deviler via SymanSays – The Ring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, a very attractive and sexy woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Kopenheimer diamond," she said "It is beautiful, but it's like the Hope diamond, there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?"

"Mr Kopenheimer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Isnt That Precious?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Regina Brett via Jerry Valentine - 45 Lessons Life Taught Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written By Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

22 May 2009

2009-05-22T17:47:00.006-04:00

22 May 2009

Hi Everyone!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Hope this set of lunacy gets you in the right mood!!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
• Neil Stenlake – Pilot Humor
• Maureen Zack – Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad
• DrStevenDDS – You’ve Got to Love Our Older Veterans
• Tom Sokolowski – Advice from a Retired Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – Wow! • dENNY aDAMS – Dogs
• Barbara Rosenberg – I Love This Doctor
• Tom Sokolowski – Happy Ending
• Jerry Valentine – Jokes That Can Be Told in Church

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT: -From Stan Kegel- An author wrote from his basement had a best cellar. "I'm looking for a new job." "What happened to the one at the spice factory?" "Oh, that, it was just seasonal." When the partners argues over the use of their yacht, it turned into a row boat. In Capastromo, the swallows nest in the mission steeple because they are bird of pray. Some funeral home employees don't like the graveyard shift. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Pilot Humor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'And all these years, I've been chewing gum.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack – Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4.People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges. And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM DrStevenDDS – You’ve Got to Love Our Older Veterans ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've got to love our older Veterans. This man,73,wears a protective flap over his ear while Senator Ted Kennedy, Barack O'Bama and Hillary Clinton address the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

I wish I could shake this man's hand. I just want to know where he got it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Advice from a Retired Husband ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{ I know my wife will like this one! :) DrB}

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.

I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. ; Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Tom Sokolowski – Wow! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This looks like lots of fun! http://blip.tv/file/2148215/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM dENNY aDAMS - dOGS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW DOG CROSS BREEDS
THE FOLLOWING BREEDS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED BY THE AKC:
COLLIE + LHASA APSO = COLLAPSO, A DOG THAT FOLDS UP FOR EASY TRANSPORT

Pointer + Setter = POINSETTER, A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PET

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = PYRADACHS, A PUZZLING BREED

PEKINGNESE + LHASA APSO = PEEKASSO, AN ABSTRACT DOG

IRISH WATER SPANIEL + ENGLISH SPRINGER SPANIEL = IRISH SPRINGER, A DOG AS FRESH AND CLEAN AS A WHISTLE

LABRADOR RETRIEVER + CURLY COATED RETRIEVER = LAB COAT RETRIEVER, THE CHOICE OF RESEARCH SCIENTISTS

NEWFOUNDLAND + BASSET HOUND = NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, A DOG FOR FINANCIAL ADVISORS

TERRIER + BULLDOG = TERRIBULL, A DOG THAT MAKES AWFUL MISTAKES

BLOODHOUND + LABRADOR = BLABADOR, A DOG THAT BARKS INCESSANTLY

MALAMUT + POINTER = MOOT POINT, OWNED BY... OH, WELL, IT DOESN`T MATTER

ANYWAY COLLIE + MALAMUT = COMMUTE, A DOG THAT TRAVELS TO WORK

DEERHOUND + TERRIER = DERRIER, A DOG THAT`S TRUE TO THE END

BULL TERRIER + SHITZU = OH, NEVER MIND ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – I Love This Doctor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love this Doctor Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Happy Ending ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, and I've never wanted too.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people. I just love a story with a happy ending.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Jokes That Can Be Told in Church ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great Memorial Day weekend!

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Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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