Hi Everyone!
Chaos in email-land on Friday … my email address was changed, and getting the mail client and web access working correctly took ALOT longer than expected; Sorry these are late … But hopefully, they’ll still save your weekend!
Stay G R E A T !!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Fred Silver – What is a 710 Knob?
• Gene Cross via Paul Keister – Visually Impaired House Painter
• Tom Sokolowski – New Style Speed Bumps
• SymanSays – You Know You’re Addicted to Coffee When …
• Jerry Valentine – Is That Your Final Answer?
• Aunt Marilyn – Millie & Janice
• Don – The Duck Hunter
• Marilyn Kanas – Stimulus Package Creates New Math
• Tom Sokolowski – At the Confessional
• Maureen Zack – Tax Tip
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Italian Elbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – What is a 710 Knob?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a ‘seven hundred and ten knob’. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven hundred and ten knob?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She continued by explaining that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it's right there.”
If you're not sure what a 710 is, just scroll down to the bottom of this weeks' fUNNIES!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Gene Cross via Paul Keister – Visually Impaired House Painter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A visually impaired painter was hired to paint a house. He went out to inspect the property and estimated the amount of paint he would need to finish the job. He got the contract, bought the paint, and started painting. Unfortunately, as his vision wasn’t too good, he started running out of paint before finishing the job. He decided to thin out the remaining paint in an attempt to make it last. This thinning happened more than once. As he approached the end of the job, the paint looked good up close. However, after finally completing the task and stepping back to admire his work, the paint appeared streaky and splotchy the closer he got to the end. He hung his head and said “God what do I do now?” A dark cloud appear4ed over the house and the very load voice of God said …..
“Re-paint and don’t thin!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Style Speed Bumps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know about you, but this would slow me down! People slow down and try to "straddle" the hole, then breath a sign of relief they completely cleared it!
This is actually a speed control device that is in use. Scroll down and look at all three pictures. And it is much cheaper than speed cameras.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – You Know You’re Addicted to Coffee When …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-From Joke of the Day:-
-You can jump start you car without cables.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-Your eyes stay open wide when you sneeze.
-You can type sixty words per minute-- with your feet.
-Instant coffee takes too long to make.
-You don't sweat...you percolate.
-You walk, twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
-Starbucks owns the mortgage on your home.
-The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
-When someone asks "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop."
-You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
-You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Is That Your Final Answer?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was ... well ... blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied ... slowly, dramatically, 'That answer is ...
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde ... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – Millie & Janice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Janice noticed something funny about Millie's ear and she said, ''Millie, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Millie answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Janice, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
________________________________________
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Don – The Duck Hunter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh, when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Marilyn Kanas – Stimulus Package Creates New Math
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – At the Confessional
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman. The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack – Tax Tip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they're due Monday the 16th or 17th.
However, I have been told of a recent change, and for the next four years, they will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.
Please check with your tax adviser to confirm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS: From Barbara Rosenberg – The Italian Elbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ITALIAN ELBOW
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 .
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
710 - get it?
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.
