19 September 2008
Hi Everyone!
As several of you have pointed out, it’s something like Pirate’s Day or Week or something. So AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH to you all … and pass an AAAARRRRRGGHH on to someone who needs one!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
- Steve Masters via Chuck – Indian in the Café
- Maureen Zack – Kwame is Kidnapped
- Elyse – Italian Women are Tough!
- Barbara Rosenberg – Man of the House
- Neil Stenlake – Nursing
- Tom Sokolowwki – Evolution of Wedding Dance
- Paul Keister – Especially for You
- Sokolowski - Twins
- the Imberbabe – The Bees Bar Mitzvah
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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What did the laundry man do at the convent?
He picked up dirty habits!
What do you call a review of royal finances?
A reign check
When is a clock nervous?
When it is all wound up.
Why did the kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
Where do frogs sit?
On toadstools.
Why did the man have to fix the horn of his car?
Because it didn't give a hoot.
If a dime and a nickle were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The nickle, because it has less sense (cents).
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. (Jim Ertner)
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(from Steve Masters via Chuck – Indian in the Cafe
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
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(from Maureen Zack – Kwame is Kidnapped
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This is the typical of the jokes bouncing about in Detroit these days!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Detroit. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up? Terrorists have kidnapped Kwame Kilpatrick. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
About a gallon.
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(from Elyse – Italian Women are Tough!
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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. 'get out of here' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Man of the House
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairswith me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
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(from Neil Stenlake - Nursing
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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(from Tom Sokolowwki – Evolution of Wedding Dance
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This couple watches way too much VH1/MTV. Clip takes about 5 minutes to watch. Needs sound, and is VERY entertaining!!
http://www.snotr.com/video/1299
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(from Paul Keister – Especially for You
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1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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(from Sokolowski - Twins
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(from the Imberbabe – The Bees Bar Mitzvah
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Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, 'How are things going?'
'Really bad,' said the second bee. 'The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey.'
'No problem,' said the first bee, 'Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.'
'Thanks for the tip,' said the second bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, 'How'd it go?'
'Great!' said the second bee. 'It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.'
'Uh, what's that thing on your head?' asked the first bee.
'That's my yarmulke,' said the second bee. 'I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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