Hi Everyone!
What can I say? This weeks’ themes must be old people as well as degeneracy. You’ve been warned!
Hope you have a terrific spring weekend! Get out and play in some dirt!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Tom Sokolowski – Twelve Italian Priests
• SymanSays – Perks on Reaching 50-60-70
• Barbara Rosenberg – Golden Years
• Steven Imberman – God and the Biker
• Paul Keister – 1955
• AUNT MARILYN – TOUGH WHEN YOU ARE OLD
• Jerry Valentine – Canadian Billboards Are Great
• Steve Samson – On the Beach in Ft Meyers
• Steven Imberman – Blond Jokes from Adam
• me – Old Biker
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Twelve Italian Priests
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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
.......and all the other bells started to ring.
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fROM SymanSays – Perks on Reaching 50-60-70
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Perks on Reaching 50-60-70- -From Senior Lifestyle Digest-
** In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
** No one expects you to run anywhere.
** There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
** Things you buy now won't wear out.
** You can live without romance but not your glasses.
** Your eyes won't get much worse.
** Your invetsment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
** Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
** Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
** We tried to make sure these were fairly large print for your convenience.
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Golden Years
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'
---
An elderly gentleman...Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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fROM Steven Imberman – God and the Biker
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my wife truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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fROM Paul Keister - 1955
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Comments Made in the Year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1..00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
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fROM Aunt Marilyn – Tough When You Are Old
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To make it stand,
you wet it!
To make it wet,
you suck it!
To make it stiff,
you lick it!
To get it in,
you push it!
Damn! Threading a needle when you are older is a BITCH!
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fROM Jerry Valentine – Canadian Billboards Are Great
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fROM Steve Samson – On the Beach in Ft Meyers
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A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began readinga book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
'Hello, sir, how are you today?
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.
'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely' she countered. Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , 'he answered' and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats?
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
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another fROM Steven Imberman – Blond Jokes from Adam
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What is long and hard for a blonde? fourth grade....
Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod.
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fROM me – Old Biker
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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
**COLD BEER: $2.00
**HAMBURGER: $2.25
**CHEESEBURGER: $2.50***
**CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50**
**HAND JOB: $50.00**
**Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..**
**She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.**
**'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'**
**The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"**
**She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes I sure am".**
**The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,** **"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".***
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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