Hi Everyone!
Hi Guys? How y’all doin’? (I’m practicin’ up on my ‘southern’!) I’ve included a couple of Bumper Stickers (thanks to Barbara Rosenberg!) that the oldies will get a kick out of ! And y'all just have to watch the Mom song!
Have a super doper Superbowl weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Jerry Valentine – The Other Stall
· Cousin Toby – AARP Fact Sheet
· feedblitz – Another Reason the Internet Has Saved My Butt
· Denny Adams – Irish Toast
· Neil Stenlake – The Mom Song
· Barbara Rosenberg – Only a Mother Would Know
· Dennis B-Reynaud via Barry - The LIDL Greeter
· GCross via Paul Keister – Cat Story
· Aunt Marilyn – If They Had a Jewish Mother …
· Chas Young – Five Degrees of Blonde
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fROM Cousin Toby – AARP Fact Sheet
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fROM Jerry Valentine – The Other Stall
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The Other Stall 
This could happen to you!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doing' just fine!'
And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh I'm like you, just sitting here.'
I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No.....I'm a little busy right now!'
Then I hear the person say, nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!'
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fROM feedblitz – Another Reason the Internet Has Saved My Butt
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fROM Denny Adams – Irish Toast
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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fROM Neil Stenlake – The Mom Song ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/?file_type=flv;sort=date;date=;id=1721326;s=file
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Only a Mother Would Know
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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fROM Dennis B-Reynaud via Barry - The LIDL Greeter
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A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent woman wearing a Dublin top walked in to LIDL in Killinarden (a sprawling corporation estate in Tallaght) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The LIDL greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, Madam, and welcome to LIDL.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck, no, dey're not twins. De oldest is 9 and de udder one's 7. How could dey be twins. Are you f*ckin' blind or just plain stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter. 'I just can't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at LIDL!'
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fROM GCross via Paul Keister – Cat Story
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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out
soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,'
I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in
a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
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fROM Aunt Marilyn – If They Had a Jewish Mother …
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CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if your're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bed-time!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"
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fROM Chas Young – Five Degrees of Blonde
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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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