Friday 14 Aug 2009

14 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Off to vacation next week – yay! Enjoy these … laugh a lot … and be jealous of me!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
• Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
• Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
• joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
• Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
• John Meeker – Miscommunication
• Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
• Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
• Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
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fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
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RIDDLES

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.

What game do mother hens play with their chicks?
Peck-a–boo

What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.

What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit.

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind.

Why did the little moron keep running around his bed?
He was trying to catch up with his sleep.


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fROM Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
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Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking
Lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
Ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and
Coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
Years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better
Phone up the City Council and get them to send a new
Parking attendant . . . "

"Err ... . . No", said the Council, "that parking lot is your
Responsibility."

"Err ... . . No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the
Attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't
He?"

"Err ... . . No!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(presumably), is a man who had been taking the
Parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per
Day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7
Days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million
($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

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fROM Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw

This is Kelly Pickler, one of the top 10 finalists in American Idol seen a few seasons back. She sings country music great, but even back then, you could see the dumb blondeness!

Give her 3 minutes … she’ll crack you up!



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fROM Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
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Click on the image to enlarge it!



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fROM joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
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A DC airport ticket agent offers 12 examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)


5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

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fROM Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

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fROM John Meeker – Miscommunication
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A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try to remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found:



Sometimes things don't always “come out” the way you want them to ...

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fROM Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
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Guts vs. Balls

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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fROM Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
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While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

Even better... if you're old and live in California, once you've killed your share of senators and representatives (and or other government leeches), and after you've been tried and convicted, sent to prison for all your healthcare, dental, vision and dietary problems, The California government will release you to save money.

I really think we have a perfect solution!!!
Is America great or what?

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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
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I woke up feeling pretty good today and then someone sent me this......

Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and Wally!


HOLY SHIT!! Are we really that old???

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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