Hi Everyone!
On the beach all week … my brain has truly turned into mush! Am hoping these can still crack you up!
Have a fab weekend!
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:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
• Syman – Actual Police Comments
• Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
• Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
• The Lie Detector Robot
• Chas Young – Math Puzzle
• Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
• Stan Kegel – Puns
• Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
• Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
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fROM Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/card2223.jpg
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fROM Syman – Actual Police Comments
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Actual comments made by police officers around the country:
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymaore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we dont. Sign here."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket."
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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
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A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition
for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.
Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man .
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, a leather harness,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
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fROM Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
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What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real
jerk:
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the
sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
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fROM Linda & Paul Keister – The Lie Detector Robot
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home"? asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandants," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
" I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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fROM Chas Young – Math Puzzle
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Maya is 21 years older than her son Raju.
In 6 years from now Maya will be 5 times as old as Raju.
Question: Where's Maya's Husband ?
(There IS a mathematical solution for this..
Try it before scrolling down)
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Solution:
Maya (MOM 'M') is 21 years older than Raju (Child 'C').
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the
child.
M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5
C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 year old, that's -9 months.
Child will be born in 9 months.
So, right now, Maya's Husband is on top of her
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
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10. 600,000 people experienced both in the middle of nowhere
9. Both took place at Beth El
8. Both had people claiming to hear "God", except at one they were referring to Hendrix
7. God put on a much better psychedelic laser light show, sans the Grateful Dead
6. A nation was born (or at least conceived)
5. Both had "sex, drugs and rock 'n roll" although at one, the words "thou shalt not" preceded each of those things
4. Bearded hippies, in robes, all camping in tents, all calling each other "brother"
3. Wood stock is what they used to build the Ark of the covenant
2. Everyone says they know someone that was there
1. One had a lot more people dropping tablets
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fROM Stan Kegel – Puns
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At what time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.
What did the envelope say to the stamp?
"Stick with me and we'll go places."
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
How do pigs write?
With a pigpen.
If a dime and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The dime, because it has less sense (cents).
On what kind of ships do students study?
Scholarships.
What did the class call the instructor’s dog?
Teacher’s pet
What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."
Why did the young lady go out doors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
SCHOOL WORK
Define "Inbred": The best way to eat salami.
Use "Alienate" in a sentence: "What happened when the ALIENATE those people?"
Grammar: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)
PUNS & OTHER HUMOR
I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
The ambulance driver said he thought Grandma would be okay after her car hit several trees. But she's not out of the woods yet.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" "It's very simple. You're two tents."
It's very rare to find a steak this well done by a medium.
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
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fROM Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
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Here's a real fun video. Makes you want to get up and dance barnyard style!
Christians United for Israel 's (CUFI) version of
Hava Nagila - Texas style
Click HERE
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fROM Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
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THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS -----
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke..
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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