15 May 2009

15 May 2009

Hi Everyone!

Getting ready for next weeks holiday weekend … so we gotta start laughing now. Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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· StevenI – Senior Eye Exam

· QuoteDuJour via SymanSays – Typical Symptoms of Stress

· Neil Stenlake – A Little Girls Prayer

· Jerry Valentine – Pecans in the Cemetery

· JudyTuNuKnees - alternate meanings

· Jerry Valentine- The Bear Remover

· Fred Silver - WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

· SymanSays - Madness

· Chas Young – Irish Vasectomy

· Jerry Valentine – Ol’ Spot

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fROM StevenI – Senior Eye Exam
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This just cracked me up. . . . . . 'SENIOR' EYE TEST' HILARIOUS! (and I did see sheep...at first.)

Eye test for those over 40

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fROM QuoteDuJour via SymanSays – Typical Symptoms of Stress
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Thought For The Day:

"I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:

eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day."

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fROM Neil Stenlake – A Little Girls Prayer
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Dear God,

Please send clothes to all those poor ladies in Daddies computer that don’t have any clothes on.

Amen

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fROM Jerry Valentine – Pecans in the Cemetery
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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fROM JudyTuNuKnees - alternate meanings
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The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

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fROM Jerry Valentine- The Bear Remover
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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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fROM Fred Silver - WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)
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Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,

the women walk even further back behind their husbands, and seem appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

The moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

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fROM SymanSays - Madness
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Madness: -From A Treasury of Humor, Lowell Streiker-

Six guys walk into a restaurant and are seated at a table. The leader goes over to the manager and says, "These people are patients from the Walker County Institution. This is our weekly outing. They will probably pay you with bottle caps. Accept the bottle caps. This is okay. It'as part of a recovery program. When they go back to the bus, I will settle with you for what they eat.

The manager agrees to go along with this, so they all order and eat.

They pay for their dinner with bottle caps and get back onto the bus.

As the leader walks over to the cash register, the manager tells him, "The bill is $96.24."

The leader asks, "Do you have change for a hupcap?"

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fROM Chas Young – Irish Vasectomy
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to

count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

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fROM Jerry Valentine – Ol’ Spot
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DINNER
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.

'He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine.. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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