Hi Everyone!
Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Hope this set of lunacy gets you in the right mood!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
• Neil Stenlake – Pilot Humor
• Maureen Zack – Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad
• DrStevenDDS – You’ve Got to Love Our Older Veterans
• Tom Sokolowski – Advice from a Retired Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – Wow! • dENNY aDAMS – Dogs
• Barbara Rosenberg – I Love This Doctor
• Tom Sokolowski – Happy Ending
• Jerry Valentine – Jokes That Can Be Told in Church
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fROM Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT: -From Stan Kegel- An author wrote from his basement had a best cellar. "I'm looking for a new job." "What happened to the one at the spice factory?" "Oh, that, it was just seasonal." When the partners argues over the use of their yacht, it turned into a row boat. In Capastromo, the swallows nest in the mission steeple because they are bird of pray. Some funeral home employees don't like the graveyard shift. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Pilot Humor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'And all these years, I've been chewing gum.'
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fROM Maureen Zack – Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4.People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges. And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
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fROM DrStevenDDS – You’ve Got to Love Our Older Veterans ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've got to love our older Veterans.
This man,73,wears a protective flap over his ear while Senator Ted Kennedy, Barack O'Bama and Hillary Clinton address the Veterans of Foreign Wars.I wish I could shake this man's hand. I just want to know where he got it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Advice from a Retired Husband ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{ I know my wife will like this one! :) DrB}
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. ; Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Tom Sokolowski – Wow! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This looks like lots of fun! http://blip.tv/file/2148215/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM dENNY aDAMS - dOGS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW DOG CROSS BREEDS
THE FOLLOWING BREEDS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED BY THE AKC:
COLLIE + LHASA APSO = COLLAPSO, A DOG THAT FOLDS UP FOR EASY TRANSPORT
Pointer + Setter = POINSETTER, A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PET
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = PYRADACHS, A PUZZLING BREED
PEKINGNESE + LHASA APSO = PEEKASSO, AN ABSTRACT DOG
IRISH WATER SPANIEL + ENGLISH SPRINGER SPANIEL = IRISH SPRINGER, A DOG AS FRESH AND CLEAN AS A WHISTLE
LABRADOR RETRIEVER + CURLY COATED RETRIEVER = LAB COAT RETRIEVER, THE CHOICE OF RESEARCH SCIENTISTS
NEWFOUNDLAND + BASSET HOUND = NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, A DOG FOR FINANCIAL ADVISORS
TERRIER + BULLDOG = TERRIBULL, A DOG THAT MAKES AWFUL MISTAKES
BLOODHOUND + LABRADOR = BLABADOR, A DOG THAT BARKS INCESSANTLY
MALAMUT + POINTER = MOOT POINT, OWNED BY... OH, WELL, IT DOESN`T MATTER
ANYWAY COLLIE + MALAMUT = COMMUTE, A DOG THAT TRAVELS TO WORK
DEERHOUND + TERRIER = DERRIER, A DOG THAT`S TRUE TO THE END
BULL TERRIER + SHITZU = OH, NEVER MIND ...
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – I Love This Doctor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Happy Ending ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, and I've never wanted too.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people. I just love a story with a happy ending.........
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fROM Jerry Valentine – Jokes That Can Be Told in Church ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Hope everybody has a great Memorial Day weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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