29 May 2009

29 May 2009

Hi Everyone!

Hopefully, something for everyone! Have yourself a merry little weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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· the FishWrapper via SymanSays - Prescription Labels

· StevenDDS – I Love It

· Barbara Rosenberg – Wedding Tip

· Neil Stenlake – Limp Duck

· cousin Gaylannie – Goodbye Mom

· Don – Faith

· EMDAlan – A Picture of …?

· The South Jersey Deviler via SymanSays – The Ring

· Jerry Valentine – Isnt That Precious?

· Regina Brett via Jerry Valentine - 45 Lessons Life Taught Me

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fROM the FishWrapper via SymanSays - Prescription Lables
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A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food, and take with water." At the end of class the professor passed out a few sample labels.



Days later he noticed that one member of the class had stuck one of the them onto his chemistry textbook. It read.



"Caution may cause extreme drowsiness."

(from DrB – this could apply to anything I teach!)

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fROM StevenDDS – I Love It
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A man says to his wife, "what would you do if I won lotto?"

She says, "I’d take half then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won $12 bucks, here’s $6 now get lost!"



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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Wedding Tip
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, was generally bra-less, and had everything in all the right places. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.



She told me that she wanted me just once, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter - Welcome to the Family.'


And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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fROM Neil Stenlake – Limp Duck
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet.



As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.



After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away.'



The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'



'Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead,' he replied



'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.



As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'



Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '£150!', she cried.

'£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?'



The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.

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fROM cousin Gaylannie – Goodbye Mom
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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

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fROM Don - Faith
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In a small Texas town, a new bar started construction on a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.



The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction in its reply to the court.



As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."



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fROM EMDAlan – A Picture of …?
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Is that Hillary... ??

What is she hanging on to,

His stimulus package?



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fROM The South Jersey Deviler via SymanSays – The Ring
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, a very attractive and sexy woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.



"This is the Kopenheimer diamond," she said "It is beautiful, but it's like the Hope diamond, there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?"



"Mr Kopenheimer."



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fROM Jerry Valentine – Isnt That Precious?
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Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'?"

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fROM Regina Brett via Jerry Valentine - 45 Lessons Life Taught Me
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Written By Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."




Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.





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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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