26 June 2009

25 June 2009

Hi Everyone!

All over the place this week! Prepare yourself for anything! Have a super weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Maureen Zack – Good News for Golfers
• Chuck & Jeannie – Thinking of You
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Barbara Rosenberg – Sex After Death
• Neil Stenlake – The Two Brothers
• Linda Wright – The Old Straggly Cat
• Tom Sokolowski – The Economy is So Bad …
• Chas Young – The Future of Dating
• Tom Sokolowski – IKEA to Sell GM Cars
• Don – Sunday Service

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fROM Maureen Zack – Good News for Golfers
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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed a what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up

well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How

old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this

morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about

your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still

living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went

golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got

married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want

to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

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fROM Chuck & Jeannie – Thinking of You
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fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
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Why was the clock in prison?
It was just doing time.

Why do cows wear bells?
So they can be herd

Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
Because you can't pull its leg.

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!

What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A Slowpoke

Why did the man go fishing?
Just for the halibut.

Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks

What kind of snacks do computers munch?
Microchips

What is the first thing you need to split an atom?
A fission licence.
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Sex After Death
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
" Marion ...Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ."
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fROM Neil Stenlake – The Two Brothers
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Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was always getting into trouble.

The other brother was very good.He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never very close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser.

The good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

Finally, the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years passed, the good brother passed away.
The good brother went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day the good brother went to God and asked, 'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I haven't seen him here in heaven.'

God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere.

I'm sorry to hear that,' the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.'

You can see him if you wish,' God said. 'I will give you the power to gaze into hell.'

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.

Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a barrel of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a barrel of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can't be that good.'

God explained. 'Things aren't always as they seem. The barrel has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'

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fROM Linda Wright – The Old Straggly Cat
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Economy is So Bad …
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The economy is soooo bad:
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernie Madoff scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

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fROM Chas Young – The Future of Dating
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – IKEA to Sell GM Cars
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fROM Don – Sunday Service
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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