Hi Everyone!
On hiatus for a couple of weeks … did you miss your fix of the fUNNIES? Well, lets get you pumped up again with a special issue of Monday Mania!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Tom Sokolowski – New Supermarket
• Jerry Valentine - Lipstick in School
• cousin Gaylannie – Mrs Rosenberg
• Stan Kegel – Riddles for Kids
• Steven Imberman – How to Hold onto Amtrak When in Motion
• Clark Kidd – Paying the Preacher
• Chas Young – The Light
• Barbara Rosenberg – Priceless Observations
• Maureen Zack – Vacationing Near Transylvania
• feedblitz – Especially if You’re Not Feeling Well
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Supermarket
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A new supermarket opened in Arlington, VA. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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fROM Jerry Valentine - Lipstick in School
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
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fROM cousin Gaylannie – Mrs Rosenberg
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Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night."
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is "completely booked."
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take 'his' room."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."
"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."
In obvious disblief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"
"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and father?"
"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.
Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"
"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.
"Cause a shmock like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!"
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fROM Stan Kegel – Riddles for Kids
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What type of apparel is the most popular with attorneys?
Law-suits.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
(Marsha Coleman)
What type of arithmetic are waiters most proficient?
Multiplication as they have to know their tables.
What did the traffic-light say to the car?
Don't look now, I'm changing.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.
What do Attila the Hun and Winnie the Poo have in common?
The same middle name
Why do cats eat furballs?
They love a good gag!
Why is it that the hearing of people who work on the railroad is
different from other's people hearing?
Because they have engine ears.
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fROM Steven Imberman – How to Hold onto Amtrak When in Motion
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How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.
I am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!!
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fROM Clark Kidd – Paying the Preacher
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A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to
leave.
Sam Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up
and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Bob Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.
Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
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fROM Chas Young – The Light
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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Priceless Observations ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priceless Observations Department:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
=2 0
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
0A
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers =2 0
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
20
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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fROM Maureen Zack – Vacationing Near Transylvania ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania .. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob Hill brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.
With that, Igor picks up Betty Hill and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob Hill both sit up straight. Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)
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fROM feedblitz – Especially if You’re Not Feeling Well
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES (and the once in a while published Monday Mania) is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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