10 July 2009

10 July 2009

Hi Everyone!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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· Hank Levine via Barry – Who Remembers Dr Epstein?

· SymanSays – It Could Be Verse

· Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

· Tom D - The Babies are makin' movies

· Tom Sokolowski – Which One?

· Sokolowski – Best Facebook Staus Message Ever

· Doug Kenny via EMDAlan – When Your Wife Gets Kidnapped

· Sokolowski – Dear Abby …

· Chas Young – 9 Months Later …

· Joanne Tenaglio AND from Tom Sokolowski – How to Make a Woman Happy

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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Who Remembers Dr Epstein?
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Who remembers Dr. Epstein?

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He raced out the stage door.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, one thing I have learned is that what seems embarrassing to me is never remembered by others. I bet that's true"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, now that I think about it, I believe you're right."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

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fROM SymanSays – It Could Be Verse
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IT COULD BE VERSE:

The Pun:

"A pun is the lowest form of wit,"

It does not tax the brain a bit;

One merely takes a word that's plain

And picks one out that sounds the same.

Perhaps some letter may be changed.

Or others slightly disarranged,

This to the meaning gives a twist,

Which delights the humorist;

A sample now may help to show

The way a good pun ought to go:

"It isn't the cough that carries you off, It's the coffin they carry you off in."

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fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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What do you call two witches who live together?

Broom-mates.

What should the veterinarian do if a macaw suffers a mynah injury to his wing?

Re-Parrot (Gary Hallock)

What dozen birds look like a foot?

Twelve Finches. (James Ertner)

Which building has the most stories?

The library

What was the biologist doing at the department store?

He was looking for new genes.

Why is Alabama the smartest state?

Because it has 4 As and one B!

Why did the guy buy lots of pens before starting his new job?

He wanted to make his mark.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

How did the Star War Princess buy most of her clothes

On LEIA-way?

Why was the clock in prison?

It was just doing time.

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fROM Tom D - The Babies are makin' movies
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PHnRIn74Ag

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Which One?
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A) Ed McMahon died last week. He was a great entertainer, but prior to his stage accomplishments he was a distinguished Marine Corps fighter pilot in WWII earning six Air Medals and attaining the rank of Colonel. He was discharged in 1946 and was later promoted to the rank of Brigadier General in the CA Air National Guard.


B) Farrah Fawcett died last week after a long career in Hollywood as an actress. After she was diagnosed with cancer, she became an activist for cancer treatment and devoted her last remaining years encouraging people to seek treatment. She documented her plight on film and used it to encourage others to stay positive and upbeat despite their diagnosis and suffering.


C) Michael Jackson died last week. He was perhaps one of the greatest singers of modern time. He will also be remembered for his eccentric lifestyle that included sleeping with a chimpanzee, living in a carnival-like atmosphere at Neverland, his fascination with Peter Pan, and his numerous masks and costumes.

He also admitted to finding pleasure sleeping with young boys and paying out millions of dollars in settlements to the families of these boys despite being acquitted by a court on one allegation of sexual molestation.

QUESTION 1- Which of the above did the House of Representatives declare a moment of silence for? (Hint - It wasn't the first two.)

QUESTION 2- Which of the above's family received a personal note of condolence from President Obama? (Hint - It wasn't the first two.)


Is this a great country or what????!!

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fROM Sokolowski – Best Facebook Staus Message Ever
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As I dangled a blanket bundle over the veranda at lunch in a silent memorial, tears flowed freely. No one knew I was doing a Michael Jackson Tribute

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fROM Doug Kenny via EMDAlan – When Your Wife Gets Kidnapped
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http://www.blogger.com/video-play.mp4?contentId=3310bf4244d99d1a&type=video%2Fmp4

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fROM Sokolowski – Dear Abby …
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'DEAR ABBY' ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered . I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

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fROM Chas Young – 9 Months Later …
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

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fROM Joanne Tenaglio AND from Tom Sokolowski – How to Make a Woman Happy
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Knowledge comes with age and experience!
Listen up, guys!

How Men Can Make a Woman Happy: It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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