16 July 2009
Hi Everyone!
Happy Weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Chuck – Mexico’s Borders
· Tom Sokolowski – Org Chart of the House Democrats Health Plan plus one
· Stan Kegel – Riddles
· FeedBlitz – We’re Not All Screwed Yet
· Elyse – Phone Repair
· Elyse – Jewish Humor
· Margaret Greenberg – Blondes on the Bus
· Dr Steve - This professor is a genius
· Dennis B-Reynaud - History Mystery
· Gary Wilson – In Florida
· Gerry Rusthoven - The Initials "AH"
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fROM Chuck – Mexico’s Borders
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http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mexico_builds_border_wall_to_keep
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Org Chart of the House Democrats Health Plan plus one
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The same guys who did such a great job with the economy, border security and Hurricane Katrina are now going to socialize health care. (Click the image to enlarge).
In These Depressed Times.......
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."
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fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
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Why did the outlaw hold up the bakery?
He kneaded the dough.
When is a horse not a horse?
When it turns into a stable.
What was a spider doing on the baseball team?
Catching flies.
Why did the outlaw brush his teeth with gunpowder?
So he could shoot his mouth off.
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches; a jailer watches cells.
Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
It used fowl language.
Why do prisoners like to eat a lot of sweets?
They are hoping to break out.
Why can't you keep a clock in jail?
Because time is always running out.
There were three tomatoes on a shelf. Two were ripe and one was green.
Which one is the cowboy?
The green one. The other two are redskins.
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fROM FeedBlitz – We’re Not All Screwed Yet
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fROM Elyse – Phone Repair
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*Lawrence**, Kansas**, December 12, 2008* *A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
**Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by* *pissing and moaning.*
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fROM Elyse – Jewish Humor
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives".
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?
"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?"?
Abe answers, "They'll find us.."
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fROM Margaret Greenberg – Blondes on the Bus
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!
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fROM Dr Steve - This professor is a genius
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An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.
That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan." All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
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fROM Dennis B-Reynaud - History Mystery
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Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
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fROM Gary Wilson – In Florida
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the Pharmacist ?'
The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation? '
Pharmacist: 'All kinds .'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'
Pharmacist: 'Definitely. '
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely. '
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'
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fROM Gerry Rusthoven - The Initials "AH"
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An Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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