Hi Everyone!
Too good … make a few extra minutes for these this week! Wishing you a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Are You Still 14? Then You’ll Love These!
• John Meeker - Wedding Entrance Dance
• Tom Sokolowski – Farmer John
• Responsive Joel – I Had a Dream
• StevenI – Truly Depraved!
• Paul Keister – Early Morning
• FeedBlitz – Candy is a Double-Edged Sword
• Chas Young – Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
• Chas Young – Jewish Humor
• Responsive Joel – A Short Note – The Truth!
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fROM Stan Kegel – Are You Still 14? Then You’ll Love These!
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Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy banks.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Stick a finger in his eye.
Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend 25 years on a single sentence.
Why do lions eat raw meat?
Because they don't know how to cook.
Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first?
Because when you move one foot, the other one is always left behind.
What kind of coat has no sleeves, no buttons, no pockets and won't keep you warm?
A coat of paint.
How can you make a soup rich?
Add 14 carats to it.
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.
How do you hunt bear?
With your clothes off
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fROM John Meeker - Wedding Entrance Dance
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Farmer John
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!
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fROM Responsive Joel – I Had a Dream
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I HAD A DREAM
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America,
the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not,
last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran and it was more beautiful than ever,
and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
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fROM StevenI – Truly Depraved!
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http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-motherlover/1099491/
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fROM Paul Keister – Early Morning
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
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fROM FeedBlitz – Candy is a Double-Edged Sword
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fROM Chas Young – Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
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fROM Chas Young – Jewish Humor
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, '
My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you,
I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers,
'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
'Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man nodded and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
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fROM Responsive Joel – A Short Note – The Truth!
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THIS ONE IS SOOOOOOOO TRUE - PLEASE READ IT
Good one
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers,
or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and
compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their
hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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