Hi Everyone!
These should get you going this weekend! Thanks everyone … and I just wanted to mention that I’d like to dedicate this weeks’ fRIDAY fUNNIES to my old friend Dr Bob who passed away last week … a great sense of humor, and a great friend.
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister – Medical Distinction
• Lowell Stryker via Syman – Aunt Aggie
• Tom Sokolowski – Nursery Rhymes We Didn’t Have As Kids
• Clark Kidd – The Laws of Life
• Fred Silver – Toilet Humor
• Barbara Rosenberg – Paramedic Response
• Tom Sokolowski – Best Joke of the Year in Australia
• Mark Colman – Dangerous Virus Alert
• Barbara Rosenberg – Smarter or Stoopider
• Mark Colman – NY Lawyer vs Texas Deputy
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(from Paul Keister – Medical Distinction
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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(from Lowell Stryker via Syman – Aunt Aggie
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Aunt Aggie went to see her physician. “One minute, I hear something to do. You've gotta help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute , and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?"
Her doctor replied, "Pay me in advance."
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Nursery Rhymes We Didn’t Have As Kids
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.
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SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumb Ass"
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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.
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HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay
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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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(from Clark Kidd – The Laws of Life
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THE LAWS OF LIFE
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.
Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath Once the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases exponentially when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Hot Drinks As soon as you sit down with a hot drink, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the drink is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a carpet is logarithmically correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law (dual potential) As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it or they will discontinue carrying it where you shop.
Doctors' Law (dual outcome) If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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(from Fred Silver – Toilet Humor
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Paramedic Response
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Best Joke of the Year in Australia
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Voted best joke of the year in Australia:
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies, 'I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot'.
The man says, 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'
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(from Mark Colman – Dangerous Virus Alert
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Smarter or Stoopider
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Try your hand at this! This moves fast so be prepared. But it's a good test of our minds.
Click smartorstoopid or if that doesn't work click here:
http://www.flashbynight.com/test/
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(from Mark Colman – NY Lawyer vs Texas Deputy
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Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't g ive me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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