Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday 28 Nov 2008

28 November 2008

Hi Everyone!

Happy Holidays!


:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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· Stan Kegel – Adult Groaners

· SymanSays – Wrong Number

· Barbara Rosenberg – A Legal Question

· Chas Young – Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall …

· Chas – He Finally Did It!

· Tom Sokolowski AND Alan Schulman – Happy Thanksgiving!

· Stan Kegel – Thanksgiving Dinner Riddles

· Dick Sziede – Outtakes: 2008 Airline Survey

· EMDAlan – Things Are Not Always As They Seem

· Bill Huebsch – Presidential Blessing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Stan Kegel – Adult Groaners

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 from Stan –

The citizens committee to clean up New York's porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether regions surrounding the glistening, sweating intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion.

Suddenly the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then with a gigantic, soul- searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over.


Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home.

---

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation. The first insisted that his date had been a nurse because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit." The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right." The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."


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(from SymanSays – Wrong Number

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Wrong Number: -From ezines@arcamax.com-

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me coffee, quickly."

The voice from the other side responded, You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," repled the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" repled the trainee, and puts down the phone.

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(from Barbara Rosenberg – A Legal Question

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Is this statuetory rape?

Or is it just a moosedemeanor. .... ?

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(from Chas Young – Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror, on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous of them all.'

But Brad Pitt lifted his sad face and said, 'Who the hell is Chas Young?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Another from Chas – He Finally Did It!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski AND from Alan Schulman! – Happy Thanksgiving!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man named John received a parrot named ' Chief ' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird ' s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ' clean up ' the bird ' s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that hed hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. ' John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

'May I ask what the turkey did? '

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(from Stan Kegel – Thanksgiving Dinner Riddles

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Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?

A: A goblet. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: What is Alan Alda's favorite Thanksgiving food?

A: M*A*S*Hed potatoes. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: What do you call sweet potatoes that are very outspoken?

A: Candid yams. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial

piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at

Thanksgiving?

A: Punk kin pie. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: In my fantasies, I serve a bird with six legs so there's no squabbling. What are these four extra appendages called?

A: Dreamsticks. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?

A: The turkey trots. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: When Priscilla realized that both Miles Standish and John Alden wanted her, what expression crossed her face?

A: A Pilgrin. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: The local restaurant served overcooked turkey, lumpy gravy, and cold mashed potatoes. What did they advertise it as?

A: The Blooperplate Special. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Q: NYC set up tall bleachers up and down Broadway this year so spectators could better view what slightly renamed event?

A: The May See Parade. (By Cynthia MacGregor)

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(from EMDAlan – Things Are Not Always As They Seem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Dick Sziede – Outtakes: 2008 Airline Survey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· The Rhett Butler of airlines: they just don't give a damn.

· Used to be great, now just grating...

· A Greyhound bus with wings.

· You get what you pay for - in other words, you don't get it if you don't pay extra for it!

· Eggs in a carton have more room.

· The only thing older than the planes are the flight attendants.

· Next they'll charge for using the air vents, seat belts and bathroom.

· Did I get fatter or did their seats get smaller?

· Too bad passengers can't chip in for a flight attendant friendliness upgrade.

· Just another cattle car, but the cows usually get more respect.

· Please bring change for your potato chips.

· These are tough times and your ass pays the price.

· The woman behind the counter told me to blame the Bush Administration.

· Trying hard to encourage us to drive.

· Like spending four hours in third class on the Titanic.

· Gets you where you're going ... sometimes.

· Bathrooms smell like the lion house at the zoo on a hot day.

· Domestic economy is a mobile prison only it lacks the food and the exercise yard.

· The boarding agents must have learned public relations from Genghis Khan.

· Flight attendants are creative in finding places to hide during the flight.

· Oh, for the good old days when we had food to complain about.

· Like the Flintstones, their planes are a page right out of history, and their service is bedrock.

· Would rather flap my arms than book this airline.

· They don't allow guns in the airport because passengers would shoot the desk clerks and be acquitted.

· A cross-country flight is as comfortable as a colonoscopy.

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(from Bill Huebsch – Presidential Blessing

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+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

21 Nov 2008


20 November 2008

Hi Everyone!

Turkey Day is coming soon … whoohoo … start getting ready!!! Hope you have a good one!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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  • Polish Divorce
  • SymanSays – Thought Of the Day & Inspiratioin
  • Chas Young – An Outrageous Aussie Joke
  • Stan Kegel – Riddles
  • Chas Young – Another of Einstein’s Theories
  • Denny Adams – The Horth Withsperer
  • Richard Sziede – A Series of Beers
  • Jerry Valentine – Somethin’ Funny Goin’ On Here …
  • Paul Keister – for Groaning Jokesters
  • the Imberbabe – Try This Turkey Recipe

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Polish Divorce

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an Aberdonian girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Chemist and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'


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(from SymanSays – Thought Of the Day & Inspiratioin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thought For The Day:

What is a hermit?

A girl's basball glove.

~~~~~*****~~~~~

INSPIRATION: -From Teddi@alohabroadband.com-

** God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

** Dear God, I have a problem ~ it's me.

** There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

** Do the math ~ count your blessings.

** Laugh every day; it's like inner jogging.

** Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

** He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

** We do not remember days, but moments.

** Life is moving too fast ~ enjoy your precious moments.

** Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

** There's something good in every day... enjoy yours.

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(from Chas Young – An Outrageous Aussie Joke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) has an accident in his Ute.

He radios back to the farm manager.

'Hey Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of me Ute. He's wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says 'Ok. Keep cool. There's a 303 rifle behind the seat.

Take it and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. 'Hey Boss. I done what you said Boss. I took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on.'

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well Boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch."

'Hey Boss . . . . . . . . You still there, Boss?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Stan Kegel - Riddles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are some pictures of bones only suitable for mature viewers?

Because they are X-Ray-ted (Gary Hallock)

If your boss sends you a message that you got a pay increase, by thumbing his blackberry- that is called a... what?

A Text Raise (Gary Reeves )

Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?

Because it wants to keep its Stockholm

What would happen if you swallowed a frog?

You might croak.

How do trees get on the Internet?

They log in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chas Young – Another of Einstein’s Theories

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naughty(ish) but worth a laugh!

Another of Einstein's Theories --

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

He would be 129 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as...

Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Denny Adams – The Horth Withsperer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeths, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's behind, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth, I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

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(from Richard Sziede – A Series of Beers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Hope you remember a bit of calculus for this one! DrB)

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer …

The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

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(from Jerry Valentine – Somethin’ Funny Goin’ On Here …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




















































What will I be when I grow up?























~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Paul Keister – for Groaning Jokesters

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut
the mustard.

7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from the Imberbabe – Try This Turkey Recipe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey
that is sure to bring smiles from your guests!
(Your dinner will be the talk of the town if you try this!)


1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, positioning the foil very carefully; see attached picture for details.
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces . . .




May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.