feb 27 2009

27 February 2009

Hi Everyone!

Be warned – the “explicit” level is up this week – But they’re GOOD! Have a terrific weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Paul Keister – It’s Simply Hilarious …
• Chas Young – An Im-peck-able story
• Jerry Valentine – Waiting for Friday
• Maureen Zack – Denny’s New Breakfast
• Dave Thorn When Name Calling Isn’t Swearing
• Chas Young – The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes?
• Tom Sokolowski – New Virus Alert
• Hank Levine via Barry – Ostrich Story
• Elyse – The i-tit
• Stan Kegel – Senior Story

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – It’s Simply Hilarious …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away a nd leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – An Im-peck-able story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own countries?

After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Waiting for Friday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waiting for Friday ...

Here it comes .............


Here it comes ............


Wait for it ............


Almost ............


Easy does it ............


Get Ready ............

HOORAY ... IT'S FRIDAY!
Have a great weekend!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack – Denny’s New Breakfast
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called "The Suleman".

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and all the others in the restaurant have to pay the bill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn When Name Calling Isn’t Swearing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Name Calling Isn't Swearing

If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES? Not my view but someone else's.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Virus Alert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus ..... Even
the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. ... done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! ... that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person ... yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you...
who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment ... well fooey!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished ... OH NO,
not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND' ... and I just
hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE' ...
Oh NO!!!
9. Causes You to curse your sibling/offspring/parent when one of these appears in their email.
oh yeah!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS'

THIS ONE YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK ON SNOPES!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Ostrich Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the t wo enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – The i-tit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apple has announced today the development of a chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough, as women always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Senior Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

friday 20 feb 2009

20 February 2009

Hi Everyone!

Lots of good ones …. I just love the first one … anybody know where they sell that brand of toilet paper? Have a fun weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Paul Keister – A Wish for all the Difficult People in Your Life
• Neil Stenlake – ALERT: Beer Scam
• Hank Levine via Barry - This Could Be True!
• StevenDDS – Geography
• Jerry Valentine – Grouchy
• Chuck Hopf – Dave Letterman at the Taco Bell
• Tom Sokolowski – Jewish Rabbi
• Barbara Rosenberg – I Love It!
• Tom Sokolowski – Growing Old
• JudyTuNuNees – The Jewish Widow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – A Wish for all the Difficult People in Your Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – ALERT: Beer Scam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry - This Could Be True!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration."

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be ... and please, my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York "

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenDDS - Geography
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, the wisdom of the universe in a few lines to ponder with
ease ....


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a
glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war
and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , sel f-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jery Valentine - Grouchy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO SEX in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck Hopf – Dave Letterman at the Taco Bell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you spell obnoxious? Totally awesome!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM tom Sokolowski – Jewish Rabbi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. She greets the rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."

The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – I Love It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Barbara) I liked reading this.

(Bernie) Me Too:


the red sox home opener,this year, will be postponed for passover


red sox general manager - theo epstein announced that the boston red sox home opener will be postponed to april 14th... To avoid the 8 days of the passover holiday.


He noted, because 3 of his starters were jewish as were his box seat holders, he was forced to make this change in scheduling.
There have been several complaints from fans, whom are enraged at epstein's decision...


In fact, protests are being tendered to the commissioner of baseball's office. However, bud selig - commissioner of baseball will not be able to address these protests; mainly due to a scheduling problem. This has been
caused by the family seders he and mrs selig will be attending.

Yes, this is an amazing country. (i love it!)

Also, unable to attend the opener:


al gore and tipper, his wife, will be unavailable as they will attend seder at their son in law's home.


Bill and hilary clinton will be attending the seder at the home of their daughter chelsea's 'steady.'


in addition, ex mayor of nyc, rudy guiliani... Whose wife will be busy preparing their seder.


Yes, this is an amazing country. (i love it!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Growing Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

~~~~~~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fROM  JudyTuNuNees – The Jewish Widow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His

widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the

people of the town decided that she ought to get

married again.

�

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor

was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat

dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the

butcher had no great formal education. However, she was

lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

�

After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah. Then, she

went home to prepare to light the candles.

�

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Chana,

told me that after the mikvah and

before lighting the

candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My

father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles

it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they

awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said

that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have

sex." So they did.

�

After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again

he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says

after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend

Who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

�

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from

a wonderful family...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

fRIDAY 13 fEBRUARY 2009

12 February 2009

Hi Everyone!

Thanks to so many of you this week … I’ve been inundated with great fUNNIES all week! Hope you have a terrific weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Barry – Why Men Should Not Take Telephone Messages

· Chas Young – The Loving Husband

· Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

· Maggie S via Barry – the Importance of Walking

· Fred Silver – Ben & Jerry

· Jerry Valentine – Deadly at Scrabble?

· Tom Sokolowski – Down at the Retirement Center

· Paul Keister – Remember This When You Fly

· Gary Savitch – Seeking Sugar with Spice

· Barbara Rosenberg – Bacon Tree

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barry – Why Men Should Not Take Telephone Messages
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Loving Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has two of the best seats at the footy Grand Final final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head and says . . . . .

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

"No. They're all at the funeral."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

Where did the track and field athlete keep his equipment?

In a pole vault.

Why should boys eat a lot of shellfish?

For mussel tone. (James D. Ertner)

What do you get when you cross a parakeet and a lawn-mower?

Shredded tweet.

Who wrote, "Oh, say can you see?"

An eye doctor.

How do mummies behave?

In a grave manner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Maggie S via Barry – the Importance of Walking ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there? Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. You could run this over to your friends, But it's much easier to just e-mail it to them! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Fred Silver – Ben & Jerry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These are delicious... Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to come up with flavors for George W. Bush. Here are some of the responses: - Grape Depression - Abu Grape - Cluster Fudge - Nut'n Accomplished - Iraqi Road - Chock 'n Awe - WireTapioca - Impeach Cobbler - Guantanmallow - imPeachmint - Good Riddance You Lousy Mother&*^%$... Swirl - Heck of a Job, Brownie! - Neocon Politan - RockyRoad to Fascism - The Reese's-cession - Cookie D'oh! - The Housing Crunch - Nougalar Proliferation - Death by Chocolate... and Torture - Credit Crunch - Country Pumpkin - Chunky Monkey in Chief - George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate - WMD-elicious - Chocolate Chimp - Bloody Sundae - Caramel Preemptive Stripe - I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Jerry Valentine – Deadly at Scrabble? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Tom Sokolowski – Down at the Retirement Center ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Paul Keister – Remember This When You Fly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Gary Savitch – Seeking Sugar with Spice ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. 'Want some of this?' she purred. Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Bacon Tree ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Way back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen in days, when the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere." The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know the Jews - they have a thing about pork." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader, who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me." The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such a big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree... "It vuz a ham bush." +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hope everybody has a great weekend! tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it! Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email! Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.