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The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
26 June 2008
Hi Everyone!
Runnin’ away for a week – yay – hope you all can do the same! These should get you in the mood! Stay happy!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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* Tom Sokolowski - Political Insight
* symanSays - English Is A Funny Language
* Mark Colman – Dutch Department Store (GREAT)
* Chas Young – When I Say I’m Broke, I’m Broke!
* Frank Ingrassia – When Insults Had Class
* Barbara Rosenberg – New Airline Rules
* Stan Kegel – Riddles
* Sokolowski – Jewish Humor
* Barbara Rosenberg – My 5 Boyfriends
* Chuck – Welcome to the 5-Minute Management Course
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(from Tom Sokolowski - Political Insight
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year... the bells are not always audible.
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(from symanSays - English Is A Funny Language
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-From Robert Alan Black-
There is no egg in eggplant. No ham in hamburger, Apple or Pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French Fries in France.
Sweeteners are candies while sweetbreads are not sweet.
Quicksand works slowly, Boxing rings are square.
Writers write, fingers do not fing
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
If you get rid of all but one of your odds and ends Is it an ODD or an END?
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(from Mark Colman – Dutch Department Store (GREAT)
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HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . HEMA also has stores in Belgium , Luxemburg, and Germany In June of this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.
Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
Don't click on any of the products pictured, just wait and see what happens. And be sure you have your sound turned up.
This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, ya?
http://producten.hema.nl/
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(from Chas Young – When I Say I’m Broke, I’m Broke!
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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a very good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"
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(from Frank Ingrassia – When Insults Had Class
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When insults had class...
These insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I now." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – New Airline Rules
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(aside: I really hope flying doesn’t come to this!! :) DrB)
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
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(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
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Why are ducks always the first to leave the restaurant?
They already have their bills.
What did the artist and the hit musical have in common?
They both drew crowds.
What did the plate say to the table?
Lunch is on me.
How does God wash the ocean?
With tide, twice a day.
What jungle animal can put you in a trance?
A hypnopotamus!
What did the broom say when it got tired?
I'm feeling sweepy
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(from Sokolowski – Jewish Humor
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ROWING TEAM
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they
lost race after race. Even though they practiced and practiced for hours
every day, they never managed to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to
Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he
carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. 'Well, I figured out their
secret,' he announces.
'What? Tell us! Tell us!', his teammates shout.
'We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.'
===========================================
THE FLIGHT
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' Moishe asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
========================================
AT THE SHUL
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck'.
At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, 'I have known
many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but
this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .. and
forgot to write a letter.'
========================================
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, 'Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?'
'No,' replied the guide . 'It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.'
'Never heard of him. What did he write?'
'A check,' replied the guide.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – My 5 Boyfriends
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I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed
Then I go to see John .
Then Charlie Horse comes along,
& when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long,
so he takes me from joint to joint
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad
to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer
and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!
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(from Chuck – Welcome to the 5-Minute Management Course
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
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