25 Sep 2009

25 September 2009
 
Hi Everyone!

Happy New Year to all (whether you’re jewish or not)! Think good wishes for me on Tuesday … I’ll need ‘em! Thanks!! Have a fab weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands – Twitteleh
• Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
• Barbara Rosenberg – Tonto
• Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
• Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
• Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
• Stan – Riddles & School Work
• Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
• Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
• cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah

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fROM Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands –
Twitteleh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Very cute … many of you can identify … note, my mother IS the classic Jewish mother! (DrB)

http://www.israellycool.com/2009/09/17/twitteleh/

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fROM Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
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http://blip.tv/file/2646973



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fROM Barbara Rosenberg - Tonto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you ?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

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fROM Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/2646969

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ..... . .................................................. there ya Gogh!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan – Riddles & School Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings.

When was beef the highest it has ever been?
When the cow jumped over the moon.

What did the bully say to the stamp?
"I bet I can lick you."

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry

Why don't crabs share?
Because they are shellfish

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light.

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese!

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate!

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Paradox": Two doctors

Use "Reverend" in a sentence: Teacher says if I don't study I'll be in this grade for REVEREND Ever.

Bloopers and other errors of grammar: Sign at a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Labels: Never iron clothes while they are being worn -- on a household iron.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's a hard disk in 1956... a hard disk drive with 5 MB storage.

In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer hard disk drive. The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a total 5 MB of data.

So start appreciating your one ounce 16 GB memory stick which has 3200 times the capacity of this monster!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(If you don’t know this Yiddish word, you should! :) DrB)
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time.

"Excuse me, Sir. Thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price of 25 cents has gone up to 35 cents."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

friday 4 Sep 2009

4 September 2009

Hi Everyone!

Gotta do this and leave for the holiday weekend! YAY!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
• Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
• Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
• Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
• Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
• Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
• Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
• Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
• MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
• Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While in Amsterdam, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Jus wait two weeks, it fawl off by self!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hit Or Miss --From Ladyhawk-

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts,.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.

Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big People Words ...

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk"!

'You need to use "Big People" words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John 'What he had done over the weekend?'

'I went to visit my Nana'.

She said. 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use "Big People"
words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People" words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!', the teacher said, 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,


'Winnie the SHIT'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Before leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.



She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, 'it will cost 99 cents a word.'



Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

Why do fish have such huge phone bills?
Because when they get on the line they can't get off.

How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
You put lox on it.

What does a bee wear when it is cold?
A Yellow Jacket

Why were the elephants the last animals to leave the ark?
They had to pack their trunks.

What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
Let's go in for a quick dip

Why are false teeth like stars?
Because they come out at night!

What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
Cookie sheets.

Why were miniskirts once called "dogs"?
Because you could peek on knees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.break.com/index/dont-text-and-drive.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY - How about You?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self Testing for Swine Flu:

If you wake up looking like this:

don't go to work !



+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.