26 Dec 2008

26 December 2008

Hi Everyone!

A fabulous end for the end of the year … see you in 2009! Whoohoo!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Chuck – Merry Christmas
• SymanSays – Mom’s Night Out
• Stan Kegel – Riddles, Puns and More
• Elyse – Tragic News from Up North …
• Barry – Husband of the Year Awards
• Feedblitz – What Are You Doing Today?
• cousin toby – The Spirit of Oy!
• Chuck – Once Upon a Time
• Denny Adams – Tree
• Neil Stenlake – Carols for the Disturbed

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(from Chuck – Merry Christmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very timely and very clever Christmas carol … really, it’s super terrific and worth the click!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC9ftIE8XRQ




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SymanSays – Mom’s Night Out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's Night Out: -From "Clean Laffs"
Written by Jeff Mondak, jeffspoemsforkids.com

Daddy's making dinner
I've seen all that before
French flies black and burning
And meatloaf on the floor.

Daddy's making dinner
The sugar bowl just broke
Fido ate the gravy
The house was filled with smoke.

Daddy's making dinner
But I'm not one to moan
Soon he will surrender
And go pick up the phone.

Daddy's making dinner
Today's my lucky day
Dinner's in the trash can

And pizza's on the way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Riddles, Puns and More
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What do you call a bird dog in December?
A point setter. (Richard Lederer)

What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?
Sandy

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail

What did the sheep who witnessed the Nativity say to each other on this occasion?
“Fleece Navidad!” (Tiff Wimberly)

What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?
The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the otherthrow of Greece

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Christmas ball ?
It was a moth ball!

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick

PUNS

Santa always finishs delivering all the toys to the children just in the St. Nick of Time.

When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on Season?s Greetings.

When you cross Father Christmas with a detective, you get Santa Clues.

When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on Season?s Greetings.

When you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper you get a ribbon hood.

GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

Rudolph, a dedicated Russian communist and important rocket scientist, was about to launch a large satellite. His wife, a fellow scientist at the base, urged Rudolph to postpone the launch because, she asserted, a hard rain was about to fall. Their friendly disagreement soon escalated into a furious argument that Rudolph closed by shouting:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" (Richard Lederer)

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet. She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so scrawny, instead of a fat pine tree. "It's not a Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse – Tragic News from Up North …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tragic news from up north . . .





WAIT UNTIL THIS HITS THE MAJOR PAPERS!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barry – Husband of the Year Awards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 2008 Version of
THE
Husband of the Year Awards

The honorable mention goes to The United Kingdom

















...followed closely by
The United States of America











and then ................
Poland


Please note, he is carrying the umbrella
which provides protection from the rain!!









but 3rd Place must go to
........ Greece












it was very very close but the
runner up prize was awarded to....
............. Serbia














the winner of the husband/partner
of the year ....... is .......
Ireland
Ya gotta love the Irish.


The Irish are true romantics.
Look, he's even holding her hand.


Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's
problems start with MEN ?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND .

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
His terectomy .

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day..

Send this to all the men just to annoy them ......

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing
Because You Grow Old,
You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Feedblitz – What Are You Doing Today?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin toby – The Spirit of Oy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Watch Video

THE SPIRIT OF OY!

Web Video: All I Want For Christmas Is… Jews (by Hot Box Comedy)

Picture waking up on a crisp Christmas morning with the smell of hot cocoa wafting in the air and you go downstairs to find...Steven Speilberg and Elie Weisel sitting under your tree. Or, even better, Madonna!






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Another from Chuck – Once Upon a Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said 'NO!'

The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


THE END


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Denny Adams - Tree
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Juanita Browne went to a friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
Juanita asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at her and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Carols for the Disturbed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, …



+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend and a great holiday season! Here’s wishing you all the best for 2009!!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

fRIDAY 19 dEC 2008

19 December 2008

Hi Everyone!

Chanukkah and Christmas this week … New Years next … whoohoo! Hope these get you in the holiday spirit … well, at least get you laughing!

Happy Holidays!!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Hank L via Barry – And Then the Fight Started
2. Frank Ingrassia – One of My Favorites
3. Irving – Holiday Greeting Cards
4. Alan Schulman – Robin Williams on Obama’s Election
5. Sister-in-Law Lori Winick – Bush Game
6. Tom Sokolowski – Why Women Should NOT Take Men Shopping Against Their Will
7. JudyTuNuKnees – Winter Sucks
8. another from Judy – Jewish Debate
9. SymanSays from Jeff Foxworthy – Smile It Does the Body Good
10. Gail via ShellyD – Brooklyn Girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Hank L via Barry – And Then the Fight Started

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, what's on TV?

I said, Dust.

And then the fight started.

=======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from

0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started

=====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

=====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing

my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have got

disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Frank Ingrassia – One of My Favorites

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This could only happen to a little Italian kid ...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Maria Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Irving – Holiday Greeting Cards

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click on any picture to enlarge it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Alan Schulman – Robin Williams on Obama’s Election

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

or just click on the link below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000&eurl=http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/30/robin-williams-on-obamas-election/&feature=player_embedded

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from sister-in-Law Lori Winick – Bush Game

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the funniest thing – EVER !!

http://www.kroma.no/2008/bushgame/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski – Why Women Should NOT Take Men Shopping Against Their Will

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is why women should NOT take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to stores like Wal-Mart and Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least…

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from JudyTuNuKnees – Winter Sucks (click image to watch)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://blip.tv/1595750/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(another from Judy – Jewish Debate

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gotta get in the spirit of Chanukkah too! :) DrB

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees has brought the following question to the Jewish community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach (Passover) - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

And what baracha (blessing) does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of three (?) blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - Bless you God for straightening those who are bent...

2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - Arise and come!

3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - Bless you God for raising the dead...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from SymanSays – Smile It Does the Body Good

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Reneck Dictionary: -By Jeff Foxworthy-

Bobsled: "I ain't no expert, but I think bobsled us down the wrong path."

Cabinet: "When we were in New York, we got in a cabinet stunk."

Digest: "I don't know why Daddy digest three days after Mama."

Enclose: "She looks good enclose, but she looks better out of them.

Feud: "I wouldn't never shot at you, feud never shot at me."

Guitar: If we're gonna fix this roof, we're gonna have to guitar."

Holy: The holy was dug deep."

Kuwait: "I'm really hungry, but I guess I Kuwait."

Syman Says, 1999-2008, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Gail via ShellyD – Brooklyn Girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Note, born and raised in Brooklyn, I totally get this … but having lots of friends all over the place, I think there are Brooklyn girls in lots of girls not in Brooklyn! J DrB)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

---The first man had married a woman from Illinois, and he told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

---The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

---The third man had married a beautiful girl from Brooklyn, New York . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.