27 July 2007
Hi Everyone! If you have a couple of minutes, you’ll love these to get you in the right mood for the weekend! Enjoy!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Tom Sokolowski – Blonde Rancher Gal
• Susan via Syman – By Definition
• EMDAlan – The Doctor
• Gary Javitch – Construction Measurements
• cousin Toby – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us
• Barbara Rosenberg - Cannibal
• Tom Sokolowski – In Heaven
• Neil Stenlake – Southern Belle
• Neil Stenlake – Word Puzzle
• Maureen Zack – The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Blonde Rancher Gal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way to check the cows, he says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for the field. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door, Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks. "Tell me, lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What is the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Susan via Syman – By Definition
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Posts Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Some winners were:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – The Doctor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently chose a new primary care physician in our new health plan.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a shit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Gary Javitch – Construction Measurements
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, and looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length." Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of the city of New Orleans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Toby – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - Cannibal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – In Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter.
"My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married.
They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the c. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Southern Belle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Word Puzzle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am only sending this to my smart friends, relatives ... and you !
I could not figure it out at all until seeing the answer.
See if you can figure out what these words have in common
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess* *
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try.
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK ... here you go.... Hope you didn't cheat!
This is cool.
Scroll down
=
=
=
=
=
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
Did you figure it out? I did not!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At dawn the telephone rings.
Hello, Senior Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior, that
your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senior, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senior"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat off the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Senior Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senior"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senior! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senior."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senior...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...............
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
13 July 2007
13 July 2007
Hi Everyone!
It’s been a long week … and especially a long day! Hope these bring you a smile!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contribution This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
• Just Annette – Mathematics and …
• Judy Hirsch – Golf
• Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
• Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
• Fred Silver – The Duck
• EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
• cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
• Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were oriental. It works .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn – Top 10 … iPhone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Little-Known Features of the New iPhone
10. Shows you pictures of food you can no longer afford since you purchased it
9. Every time you hit the "shift" button Bill Gates gets a shock
8. Automatically deletes e-mail subpoenaed by Congress
7. Also comes in the heavier "Russell Crowe" model -- better for throwing at people
6. For an extra hundred bucks, they'll capitalize the "i"
5. Vibrate mode "guarantees satisfaction"
4. Gives a GPS warning when Nicole Richie is driving toward you
3. Runs the city of Philadelphia for you, so you're free to wait in line for iPhone 2
2. Alerts you every time Paris Hilton finds God
1. Automatically removes 600 dollars from your wallet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Just Annette – Mathematics and …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Judy Hirsch - Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He was pissed! He looked up at the woman and said, "I am not happy!" The woman said, "Then which one are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a product he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...........
God I miss him."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You’re with the "IRS".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver – The Duck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman"
That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" The duck questioned
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f *** would they want with a plasterer ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too unreal! YouTube - Bill Malone - Sam the Bellhop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Miss Alabama (the winner) in the 1994 Miss USA contest: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
Hi Everyone!
It’s been a long week … and especially a long day! Hope these bring you a smile!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contribution This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
• Just Annette – Mathematics and …
• Judy Hirsch – Golf
• Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
• Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
• Fred Silver – The Duck
• EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
• cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
• Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were oriental. It works .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn – Top 10 … iPhone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Little-Known Features of the New iPhone
10. Shows you pictures of food you can no longer afford since you purchased it
9. Every time you hit the "shift" button Bill Gates gets a shock
8. Automatically deletes e-mail subpoenaed by Congress
7. Also comes in the heavier "Russell Crowe" model -- better for throwing at people
6. For an extra hundred bucks, they'll capitalize the "i"
5. Vibrate mode "guarantees satisfaction"
4. Gives a GPS warning when Nicole Richie is driving toward you
3. Runs the city of Philadelphia for you, so you're free to wait in line for iPhone 2
2. Alerts you every time Paris Hilton finds God
1. Automatically removes 600 dollars from your wallet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Just Annette – Mathematics and …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Judy Hirsch - Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He was pissed! He looked up at the woman and said, "I am not happy!" The woman said, "Then which one are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a product he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...........
God I miss him."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You’re with the "IRS".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver – The Duck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman"
That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" The duck questioned
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f *** would they want with a plasterer ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too unreal! YouTube - Bill Malone - Sam the Bellhop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Miss Alabama (the winner) in the 1994 Miss USA contest: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, July 6, 2007
06 July 2007
6 July 2007
Hi Everyone!
Away in the mountains … not many neurons are needed here – yay! But fUNNIES are most definitely a firm requirement!
A special thanks this week to the Nerfherder Gal (below) for reminding me (the Nerfherder Dad) of how truly geeky I am, and how this has spilled over to infect my offspring!
Enjoy the spectacular superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Parts 1 & 2
Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Nerfherder blog (thenerfherder.blogspot.com) consists of editorials about the cross-section of where politics and culture meet cyberspac – usually very serious and thought provoking stuff. The following is a post submitted by Nerfherder contributing author Marissa Fox, heretofore known as "The Nerfherder Gal".
I know there are some of you out there who can relate to having your anniversary calculated in hexadecimal, having at least two computers in your one-bedroom apartment, and having to figure out why Linux is better than Microsoft. It’s hard to slow your man down when he gets started about how evil iTunes is, and you still can’t understand where his anger towards Apple stems from. If your boyfriend has a blog, thinks "Joost" will take over the world, or believes in "open source" then you know what I’m talking about. The question is do you read his blog and "digg it" afterwards to show support? Do you believe that by clicking on the advertisements he will make enough money to possibly receive a check some day, and will hopefully spend that money on you? Do you look at his Linux machine with awe, every time he gets excited about a new feature he’s discovered? Or do we tune them out just a little bit?
Personally, my boyfriend, a.k.a The Nerfherder, can not hit a nail on the head with a hammer, doesn’t know how to paint a room, or do any other physical labor around the house. Those kind of tasks fall under my responsibilities. Though I’ve grown up around men who were considered “manly” for fixing, lifting, and building things, is my boyfriend "un-manly" because he can’t? OR is he more "manly" because he can solve the problems of tomorrow? We all know that computers are the way of the future, and he can de-bug, de-frag, and program C++ with the best of them. He may get disgruntled moving furniture, or lose his patience in the beginning stages of painting a room, but does that really matter? The question I pose to every one out there is: Are computer nerds the new high-powered, "manly" knights in shining armor of the future?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, I watched my boyfriend and his father (both members of the computer programming world) try to video chat online. At the prospect of chatting with his father "live" my boyfriend was more then a bit excited. He practically dragged me out into the living room so that I could partake in this exhilarating event. As I sat on the couch watching them set their computers up I was in awe of the absurdity of these two grown men. Nerfherder Dad was sitting in front of his video cam, waving like a fool while his picture came in upside down. He couldn’t hear or see The Nerfherder, however he continued to wave and speak into his microphone. As my boyfriend typed to his father (because obviously his microphone was not working), his father read slowly outloud each of his messages. "I- a-m -u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n", "Oh", "I – a-m – s-t-i-l-l u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n".
I watched them for about 45 minutes while The Nerfherder tried to "fix" his web cam, so they could actually conference, and Nerfherder Dad tried make himself right side up. I watched his father sign on, and off, and on, and off. Meanwhile the The Nerfherder was playing with the applications on his computer trying to figure out what went wrong. After watching this commotion for a while, I finally suggested checking to see if the camera was plugged in, and low and behold it was not. These are two men, one with his PHD in computer science, the other in the process of getting his, sitting in front of their computers loving the fact that they can send their picture across the internet for all to see, while Nerfherder Mom and I roll our eyes in the background.
Until next time!
Nerfherder Gal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one h ill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with Ivy's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, June 22, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 How To Make Ice Cubes--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The *Wall Street Journal* is read by the people who run the country.
2. The *Washington Post* is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The *New York Times* is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. *USA Today* is read by people who think they maybe ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. *The Los Angeles Times* is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Beverly Hills to do it.
6. The *Boston Globe* is read by people whose ancestors used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The *New York Daily News* is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The *New York Post* is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The *Miami Herald* is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The *San Francisco Chronicle* is read by people who aren't sure if anyone runs the country, but if they find out who does, they oppose all them. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, or feminist, provided, of course, that they are not republicans.
11. *HOY* is read by two Mexican-American businessmen and a gardener in Boyle Heights.
12 . The *National Enquirer* is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13 . Nothing is read by the guy who has run this country into the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN. FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY. (I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES" FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS.. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE ..
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT I S JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through the old lady leans over to her husband and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.
That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
(c)tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES bY dRBERNIE, 1995-2007.
Hi Everyone!
Away in the mountains … not many neurons are needed here – yay! But fUNNIES are most definitely a firm requirement!
A special thanks this week to the Nerfherder Gal (below) for reminding me (the Nerfherder Dad) of how truly geeky I am, and how this has spilled over to infect my offspring!
Enjoy the spectacular superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Parts 1 & 2
Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Nerfherder blog (thenerfherder.blogspot.com) consists of editorials about the cross-section of where politics and culture meet cyberspac – usually very serious and thought provoking stuff. The following is a post submitted by Nerfherder contributing author Marissa Fox, heretofore known as "The Nerfherder Gal".
I know there are some of you out there who can relate to having your anniversary calculated in hexadecimal, having at least two computers in your one-bedroom apartment, and having to figure out why Linux is better than Microsoft. It’s hard to slow your man down when he gets started about how evil iTunes is, and you still can’t understand where his anger towards Apple stems from. If your boyfriend has a blog, thinks "Joost" will take over the world, or believes in "open source" then you know what I’m talking about. The question is do you read his blog and "digg it" afterwards to show support? Do you believe that by clicking on the advertisements he will make enough money to possibly receive a check some day, and will hopefully spend that money on you? Do you look at his Linux machine with awe, every time he gets excited about a new feature he’s discovered? Or do we tune them out just a little bit?
Personally, my boyfriend, a.k.a The Nerfherder, can not hit a nail on the head with a hammer, doesn’t know how to paint a room, or do any other physical labor around the house. Those kind of tasks fall under my responsibilities. Though I’ve grown up around men who were considered “manly” for fixing, lifting, and building things, is my boyfriend "un-manly" because he can’t? OR is he more "manly" because he can solve the problems of tomorrow? We all know that computers are the way of the future, and he can de-bug, de-frag, and program C++ with the best of them. He may get disgruntled moving furniture, or lose his patience in the beginning stages of painting a room, but does that really matter? The question I pose to every one out there is: Are computer nerds the new high-powered, "manly" knights in shining armor of the future?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, I watched my boyfriend and his father (both members of the computer programming world) try to video chat online. At the prospect of chatting with his father "live" my boyfriend was more then a bit excited. He practically dragged me out into the living room so that I could partake in this exhilarating event. As I sat on the couch watching them set their computers up I was in awe of the absurdity of these two grown men. Nerfherder Dad was sitting in front of his video cam, waving like a fool while his picture came in upside down. He couldn’t hear or see The Nerfherder, however he continued to wave and speak into his microphone. As my boyfriend typed to his father (because obviously his microphone was not working), his father read slowly outloud each of his messages. "I- a-m -u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n", "Oh", "I – a-m – s-t-i-l-l u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n".
I watched them for about 45 minutes while The Nerfherder tried to "fix" his web cam, so they could actually conference, and Nerfherder Dad tried make himself right side up. I watched his father sign on, and off, and on, and off. Meanwhile the The Nerfherder was playing with the applications on his computer trying to figure out what went wrong. After watching this commotion for a while, I finally suggested checking to see if the camera was plugged in, and low and behold it was not. These are two men, one with his PHD in computer science, the other in the process of getting his, sitting in front of their computers loving the fact that they can send their picture across the internet for all to see, while Nerfherder Mom and I roll our eyes in the background.
Until next time!
Nerfherder Gal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one h ill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with Ivy's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, June 22, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 How To Make Ice Cubes--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The *Wall Street Journal* is read by the people who run the country.
2. The *Washington Post* is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The *New York Times* is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. *USA Today* is read by people who think they maybe ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. *The Los Angeles Times* is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Beverly Hills to do it.
6. The *Boston Globe* is read by people whose ancestors used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The *New York Daily News* is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The *New York Post* is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The *Miami Herald* is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The *San Francisco Chronicle* is read by people who aren't sure if anyone runs the country, but if they find out who does, they oppose all them. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, or feminist, provided, of course, that they are not republicans.
11. *HOY* is read by two Mexican-American businessmen and a gardener in Boyle Heights.
12 . The *National Enquirer* is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13 . Nothing is read by the guy who has run this country into the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN. FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY. (I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES" FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS.. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE ..
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT I S JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through the old lady leans over to her husband and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
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