25 Sep 2009

25 September 2009
 
Hi Everyone!

Happy New Year to all (whether you’re jewish or not)! Think good wishes for me on Tuesday … I’ll need ‘em! Thanks!! Have a fab weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands – Twitteleh
• Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
• Barbara Rosenberg – Tonto
• Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
• Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
• Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
• Stan – Riddles & School Work
• Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
• Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
• cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands –
Twitteleh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Very cute … many of you can identify … note, my mother IS the classic Jewish mother! (DrB)

http://www.israellycool.com/2009/09/17/twitteleh/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/2646973



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg - Tonto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you ?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/2646969

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ..... . .................................................. there ya Gogh!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan – Riddles & School Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings.

When was beef the highest it has ever been?
When the cow jumped over the moon.

What did the bully say to the stamp?
"I bet I can lick you."

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry

Why don't crabs share?
Because they are shellfish

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light.

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese!

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate!

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Paradox": Two doctors

Use "Reverend" in a sentence: Teacher says if I don't study I'll be in this grade for REVEREND Ever.

Bloopers and other errors of grammar: Sign at a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Labels: Never iron clothes while they are being worn -- on a household iron.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's a hard disk in 1956... a hard disk drive with 5 MB storage.

In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer hard disk drive. The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a total 5 MB of data.

So start appreciating your one ounce 16 GB memory stick which has 3200 times the capacity of this monster!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(If you don’t know this Yiddish word, you should! :) DrB)
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time.

"Excuse me, Sir. Thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price of 25 cents has gone up to 35 cents."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

friday 4 Sep 2009

4 September 2009

Hi Everyone!

Gotta do this and leave for the holiday weekend! YAY!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
• Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
• Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
• Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
• Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
• Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
• Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
• Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
• MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
• Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Maureen Zack - Amsterdam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While in Amsterdam, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Jus wait two weeks, it fawl off by self!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Old34Yankee – Hit or Miss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hit Or Miss --From Ladyhawk-

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts,.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.

Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Big People Words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big People Words ...

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk"!

'You need to use "Big People" words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John 'What he had done over the weekend?'

'I went to visit my Nana'.

She said. 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use "Big People"
words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People" words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!', the teacher said, 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,


'Winnie the SHIT'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – The Blonde Sister
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Before leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.



She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, 'it will cost 99 cents a word.'



Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Riddles Just for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

Why do fish have such huge phone bills?
Because when they get on the line they can't get off.

How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
You put lox on it.

What does a bee wear when it is cold?
A Yellow Jacket

Why were the elephants the last animals to leave the ark?
They had to pack their trunks.

What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
Let's go in for a quick dip

Why are false teeth like stars?
Because they come out at night!

What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
Cookie sheets.

Why were miniskirts once called "dogs"?
Because you could peek on knees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ro/Mart – Don’t Text and Drive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.break.com/index/dont-text-and-drive.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ken – The Definition of Chutzpah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda Keister – Cash for Clunkers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY - How about You?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM MikeMc – Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn and from Don – Swine Flu Advice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self Testing for Swine Flu:

If you wake up looking like this:

don't go to work !



+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

WE'RE MOVING!

Thanks to the wonders of modern computing technology, the Original fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie is moving to a very very slightly new site.

SO, if you have a free subscription to the fUNNIES and want to continue receiving a FREE email with the new fUNNIES each week, please surf over to -- (TaDa ...)

http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/

and enter your email address into the Subscribe box. You'll get a verification screen to popup (to prevent spam), and a subsequent email that says you did good.

As always, I promise NEVER to give out your email address to anyone for anything whatsoever (actually, for me to get to the email address is nearly impossible!!)

Again, the new location for the fUNNIES is http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/

See ya on Fridays! And thanks! :) Dr Bernie

fRIDAY 28 Aug 2009

28 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Chaos abounds as the summer draws to a close … hope these help! Best wishes for a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Old334Yankee – Our Health Care Plan
• Hank Levine via Barry – What Begins with F and ends with K?
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• David Melinkoff – Feed the Cat
• Irv Robbins – History Lesson
• Tom D – Actual Message on School Answering Machine
• indexed – Much Crying All Around
• Jerry Valentine – Wedded Bliss
• Paul Keister – The Bathtub Test
• Barbara Rosenberg – Why do we love children?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Old334Yankee – Our Health Care Plan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Health Care Plan: -From Mary Ann-

We're are going to pass a Helalth Care Plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it.

...passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it.

...signed by a President who also hasn't read it and who smokes.

...with funding administered by a Treasury Chief who didn't pay his taxes.

... overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a county that's nearly broke.

...What could possibly go wrong?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – What Begins with F and ends with K?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What begins with F and ends with K

Ms. Brooks, a first-grade teacher, was having trouble with one of her
students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she asked such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Mrs Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes an octopus a good fighter?
He's very well armed.

Did the mummy have a good vacation?
Who knows? He was too wrapped up to tell.

Why is the "Middle Ages" frequently called the "Dark Ages."
Because there were so many knights

What did the mother say to the child's hair?
You are very knotty

Why did the schoolboy take a ladder to school?
It was high school.

What did the dentist see at the North Pole?
A molar bear

What goes up when the rain comes down?
Umbrellas

Why was the nanny goat so upset?
She had too many kids to take care of.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM David Melinkoff – Feed the Cat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may like this Youtube video that was passed on to me, called "Feed the cat"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFz8F9-kz80

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Irv Robbins – History Lesson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(a little long, but an excellent ending! :) DrB)

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United Statesstandard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The
engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom D – Actual Message on School Answering Machine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
origin – Australia!

This is a sound file ... it should play in just about any media player! Just double click the link and it should download and play!

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/PodCasts/school.mp3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM indexed – Much Crying All Around
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Wedded Bliss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except … the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – The Bathtub Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No.." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??


Okay, so it's just silly, but I needed that today and thought you might too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Why do we love children?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do we love children??

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Friday 21 Aug 2009

21 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

On the beach all week … my brain has truly turned into mush! Am hoping these can still crack you up!

Have a fab weekend!

************************************
* IMPORTANT -*
* Please visit
* http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
* Most of the email addresses used to send out
* the funnies with embedded pictures and videos
* became corrupt (damn computers!)
*
* If you could make 30 seconds to subscribe
* using the SUBSCRIBE box on the right of the
* page, I would be most grateful. And, as
* always, I promise to never give your email
* address out to anyone for anything!
*
* Ok? Thanks! :) Dr Bernie
*
************************************

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
• Syman – Actual Police Comments
• Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
• Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
• The Lie Detector Robot
• Chas Young – Math Puzzle
• Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
• Stan Kegel – Puns
• Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
• Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Nothing Better To Do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/card2223.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Syman – Actual Police Comments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual comments made by police officers around the country:

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymaore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we dont. Sign here."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Jewish Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition
for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.
Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man .

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, a leather harness,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – What To Do if Seated Next to a Jerk on an Airplane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real
jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the
sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Linda & Paul Keister – The Lie Detector Robot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home"? asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandants," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

" I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Math Puzzle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maya is 21 years older than her son Raju.
In 6 years from now Maya will be 5 times as old as Raju.

Question: Where's Maya's Husband ?

(There IS a mathematical solution for this..
Try it before scrolling down)

**********
**********
**********
...
..
..
...
..
..

..
..
..
...
...
..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
....
..
..
..
..

Solution:

Maya (MOM 'M') is 21 years older than Raju (Child 'C').

M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the
child.

M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 year old, that's -9 months.
Child will be born in 9 months.

So, right now, Maya's Husband is on top of her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Mt Sinai & Woodstock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. 600,000 people experienced both in the middle of nowhere
9. Both took place at Beth El
8. Both had people claiming to hear "God", except at one they were referring to Hendrix
7. God put on a much better psychedelic laser light show, sans the Grateful Dead
6. A nation was born (or at least conceived)
5. Both had "sex, drugs and rock 'n roll" although at one, the words "thou shalt not" preceded each of those things
4. Bearded hippies, in robes, all camping in tents, all calling each other "brother"
3. Wood stock is what they used to build the Ark of the covenant
2. Everyone says they know someone that was there
1. One had a lot more people dropping tablets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Puns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At what time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.

What did the envelope say to the stamp?
"Stick with me and we'll go places."

Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.

How do pigs write?
With a pigpen.

If a dime and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The dime, because it has less sense (cents).

On what kind of ships do students study?
Scholarships.

What did the class call the instructor’s dog?
Teacher’s pet

What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."

Why did the young lady go out doors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Inbred": The best way to eat salami.

Use "Alienate" in a sentence: "What happened when the ALIENATE those people?"

Grammar: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

The ambulance driver said he thought Grandma would be okay after her car hit several trees. But she's not out of the woods yet.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" "It's very simple. You're two tents."

It's very rare to find a steak this well done by a medium.

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Lonny Rosenberg – Hava Nagila – Texas Style
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a real fun video. Makes you want to get up and dance barnyard style!
Christians United for Israel 's (CUFI) version of

Hava Nagila - Texas style

Click HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jackster – Best Words of Wisdom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....




BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS -----

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated as the world's best short joke..
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Practice Funny

Trying to see if my fix to the RSS file is working ... please excuse ... here's a joke for your troubles ...

from Neil Stenlake

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real
jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the
sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Just a Test - Please Ignore

Having problems with my RSS feed ... debugging a bit ... please forgive me! :) DrB

Friday 14 Aug 2009

14 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Off to vacation next week – yay! Enjoy these … laugh a lot … and be jealous of me!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
• Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
• Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
• joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
• Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
• John Meeker – Miscommunication
• Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
• Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
• Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.

What game do mother hens play with their chicks?
Peck-a–boo

What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.

What did Neptune say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit.

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind.

Why did the little moron keep running around his bed?
He was trying to catch up with his sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie R - Now why didn't I pursue a job like this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking
Lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
Ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and
Coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
Years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better
Phone up the City Council and get them to send a new
Parking attendant . . . "

"Err ... . . No", said the Council, "that parking lot is your
Responsibility."

"Err ... . . No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the
Attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't
He?"

"Err ... . . No!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(presumably), is a man who had been taking the
Parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per
Day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7
Days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million
($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Steven Imberman – A really dumb blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw

This is Kelly Pickler, one of the top 10 finalists in American Idol seen a few seasons back. She sings country music great, but even back then, you could see the dumb blondeness!

Give her 3 minutes … she’ll crack you up!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Everything Looks Better from Further Away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Click on the image to enlarge it!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM joanne t – They Walk Among Us … and they are in DC!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC airport ticket agent offers 12 examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)


5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Steven I – The Secret to Long Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM John Meeker – Miscommunication
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try to remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found:



Sometimes things don't always “come out” the way you want them to ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Guts vs. Balls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guts vs. Balls

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Health Care for the Aging
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

Even better... if you're old and live in California, once you've killed your share of senators and representatives (and or other government leeches), and after you've been tried and convicted, sent to prison for all your healthcare, dental, vision and dietary problems, The California government will release you to save money.

I really think we have a perfect solution!!!
Is America great or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Thought It Was a Good Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up feeling pretty good today and then someone sent me this......

Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and Wally!


HOLY SHIT!! Are we really that old???

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

7 Aug 2009

6 August 2009

Hi Everyone!

Excellent fUNNIES this week – check ‘em out as you get depressed how the summer has flown by! All the best!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary

· Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …

· Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant

· Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet

· Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment

· Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings

· Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap

· Chas Young – The Nun and Gin

· cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm

· Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools

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fROM Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week was my birthday And I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought..Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office , I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office , My secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office , Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office , Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did

Sir," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"

asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!' ''

"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two lovely cat houses in Las Vegas and another one in Reno ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're an EXTREME REDNECK when:

1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.

3. You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different
night.

4. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey guys, watch
> this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your junior prom offered day care.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. You think the last words of the Stars Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start you engines.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in you card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because it's against
the law.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – The Nun and Gin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Nun was standing outside a pub door warning those entering of the dangers of drink.

One man stopped and asked her she had ever tasted alcohol, "No" she said.

"Then how can know it is evil if you have never tasted it. Have a drink and if you still think it's evil I'll believe you".

The nun thinks about this for a while and then says "I couldn't go in there".

"I'll get it for you, what would you like?"

"I'll have gin, but it wouldn't do for me to be seen out here drinking, could you get it in a tea cup for me?"

The man enters, goes up to the bar and orders a gin. "Could I have it in a tea cup please?"

"Is that bloody nun out there again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you who want to continue to be fire safety conscious during these difficult economic times...

No need to change batteries!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does anyone know where we can buy these??? :) DrB

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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