29 August 2008
Hi Everyone!
Hope you like ‘em … have a great holiday weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- jackster1114 – This Could Also Happen to YOU
- cousin Gaylannie – First Day at School
- Gaylannie – Baby Boomers
- Neil Stenlake – How To Get Ahead
- SymanSays – Another Idiot Sighting
- Lon Peper – First Known Picture of Michael Phelps
- EMDAlan – The Older Woman
- Stan Kegel – Riddles
- George Targownik via Irving4 – Olympics Humor
- Paul Keister – Click on the Blue Wording …
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(from jackster1114 – This Could Also Happen to YOU
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day.'
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'
'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire
Sadly, I received it also.
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(from cousin Gaylannie – First Day at School
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedo Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 4th grade. The teacher said, 'Lets begin by reviewing some American history.
'Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. 'Patrick Henry, 1775.'
'Very good!' said the teacher.
'Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'
Again, no response except from Pedro: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863.'
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Mexicans!'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. 'Jim Bowie, 1836.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared and asked, 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Pedro answered, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? S--k this!'
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky,
1997!'
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, 'If you say anything else, Ill kill you!' Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.'
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s--t, we're in BIG trouble now!'
Pedro whispered, 'Saddam Hussein, 2003.'
Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, 'Duck'!
The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked 'Who said that?
Pedro: 'Dick Cheney 2006!'
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(another from Gaylannie – Baby Boomers
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(from Neil Stenlake – How To Get Ahead
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A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his
local Woolies supermarket, and asked to buy half a
head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they
only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask
his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, 'some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly
offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'
'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'Is that right?' replied the manager. 'My wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
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(from SymanSays – Another Idiot Sighting
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Another Idiot Sighting:
I live in a small semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
Many deer ere being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
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(from Lon Peper – First Known Picture of Michael Phelps
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(from EMDAlan – The Older Woman
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'I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place with her.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
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(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
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What do you call an alligator's helper?
Gatorade.
What happens when two bullets get married?
They have a BB
How did the football player get into the theater for free?
He received a pass.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So that they can fight knights
Why are Policemen so strong?
Because they can hold up traffic
What did the pig say when the room got too hot?
"If it gets any hotter, I'll be bacon!"
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(from George Targownik via Irving4 – Olympics Humor
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These are all actual comments made during
coverage of the Summer Olympics this year.
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back::
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of
the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like
they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?”
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(from Paul Keister – Click on the Blue Wording …
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JUST CLICK ON THE BLUE WORDING
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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