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15 December 2006

Hi Everyone!

We touch everybody in this weeks’ fUNNIES – the old, the perverted, the stupid, and blondes (my favorite). I’m sure you’ll get some good smiles out of this edition!

Note to the general earth: in my continuing quest to improve the quality and delivery of the fRIDAY fUNNIES, I’ll be experimenting with a new website where videos and pictures should be accessible at rocket speeds (just for you, Steve). If you’re interested in being a Beta tester, shoot me an email … I may or may not use you! Thanks!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -
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• Alligator vs. Blonde
• Secrets to a Happy Marriage
• Best Lines from Edinburgh Comedy Festival
• Jest for the Pun of It
• The Good Husband
• Hu’s on First
• Menopause
• Simple Informal Test
• For Lexophiles - Lovers Of Words
• ‘Tis the Season for Parodies

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(from EMDAlan) – Alligator vs. Blonde
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A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

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(from cousin Gaylannie) – Secrets to a Happy Marriage
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With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's Marriage Marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

"I'm going to go get her."

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(from Neil Stenlake) – Best Lines from Edinburgh Comedy Festival
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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be shitting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"


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(from SymanSays) – Jest for the Pun of It
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From Kim Komando -
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a
pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the
other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull
the wool over our ice."

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(another from CMDAlan) – The Good Husband
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is >a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS!!!

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(from Dave Thorn) – Hu’s on First