Hi Everyone!
Very excellent this week … sit down, take a deep breath, and get ready to laugh!
Enjoy the weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents - Contributions Gratefully Received From --
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• Chas Young – Irish Pigs
• Barbara Rosenberg – Advertising
• Syman – Fifth-Grade Science Exam Answers
• Barbara Rosenberg – A Couple to Make You Laugh …
• Neil Stenlake – Catholic Parrots
• Mark Colman – New Universal Sign for Gasoline
• Neil Stenlake – Oh Hell
• the ImberBabe - Two Beggars in Rome
• Don Domanski – No Score
• Tom Sokolowski – Bruce and Jenny
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(from the ImberBabe) - Two Beggars in Rome
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Two Beggars in Rome - One Catholic - One Jew- are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross . In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
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(from Neil Stenlake) – Catholic Parrots
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
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(from Mark Colman) – New Universal Sign for Gasoline
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(from Neil Stenlake) – Oh Hell
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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
I m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
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(from Don Domanski) – No Score
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(from Syman) – Fifth-Grade Science Exam Answers
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From The 365 Day Clean Joke Book-
Funny Answers to Fifth-Grade Science Exams:
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfer, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- A Fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
- Dew is formeed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration.
- When you breathe, you inspire,. When you do not breathe you expire.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – A Couple to Make You Laugh …
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.
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(from Chas Young) – Irish Pigs
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Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand " says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears! How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig, ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART?!"
"Ah fook it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"
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(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Advertising
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The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Bruce and Jenny
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says,” Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
