Hi Everyone!
I have no idea why, but this weeks' contributions were more racy than usual! But funny! You've been warned! Have a beautiful weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Ken Williams – Missing Wife
- Irving – How to Successfully Sell Men’s Underwear
- Chas Young – Resimay (aka a KIWI Job Application)
- Chas Young – Ever Been This Drunk
- Susan via Syman – Thought for the Day
- Jackster – Why I Was Fired From My Last Job
- DASDBill – Take a Break – Neologisms
- Tom Sokolowski – Learning to Cuss
- T Hebda via Mark Colman – Assorted Funnies
- Chas Young – The Vibrator
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(from Ken Williams) – Missing Wife
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A bloke's wife goes missing while they were scuba diving off Cairns. He reports it to the police & spends a the night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, an old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the Reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a sob.
After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice muddies attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five mudcrabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ... Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy grabbin some stubbies and comin' with us?"
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(from Irving – How to Successfully Sell Men’s Underwear
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Definitely the correct way to sell men's underwear!
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(from Chas Young – Resimay (aka a KIWI Job Application)
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resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
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(another from Chas – Ever Been This Drunk
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(from Susan via Syman – Thought for the Day
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Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling
a drug dealer an "unlicensed phamacist."
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(from Jackster – Why I was Fired From My Last Job
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add a little mayo to this sandwich and you would be just down right embarrassed
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(from DASDBill – Take a Break - Neologisms
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Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting , or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously w hen you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Learning to Cuss
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A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear end with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
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(from T Hebda via Mark Colman – Assorted Funnies
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Walk
2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon!
Not Bad
Passing the Torch
AN AUTHORITY on African animals was giving a lecture. When he finished, he asked for questions.
One man stood up and asked, "Is it true that the wild animals in Africa won’t bother you if you carry a lighted torch?"
The speaker replied, "That depends on how fast you carry it."
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Religious Experience
A CHARTERED BUS was rolling along the highway to a football game
when one rider turned to his companion and said, "I feel guilty. Here it’s Sunday
and I’m going to a football game instead of church."
"What would you be doing in church?" his friend asked.
"Listening to the sermon," the man replied.
"Well, why don’t you act as if you were in church listening to the sermon," the friend suggested.
The man thought this was a terrific idea. So he settled back into his seat and fell asleep.
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Just Passing Through
A LITTLE BOY got separated from his mother at the YMCA
and wandered into the ladies’ locker room.
When they saw the boy, they burst into shrieks, grabbed their towels and ran for cover.
"What’s the matter?" asked the boy as he watched the scene with amazement.
"Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?"
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Throwing in the Towel
LITTLE JOHNNY watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" quizzed the 5-year-old. "To make myself beautiful," she answered. Then she began removing the cream with a washcloth. "What’s the matter?" Johnny asked. "Are you giving up?"
Collective Wisdom
A PASTOR asked a youngster, “Billy, do you know where little boys go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?” “Yes, Pastor,” Billy replied. “They go to the movies.”
Indian Toilet Paper
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk.
"We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
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(from Chas Young – The Vibrator
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As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: "what in the world! Are you doing!?"
The daughter replied: "mom, i'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "dad i'm 32, unmarried, and this is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. So please, go away and leave me alone!"
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?
She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "what are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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