Hi Everyone!
Sorry I’m getting these out late today … it’s been one of those long mornings that stretched into the afternoon! Ugh! But I’m hopeful that this weeks fUNNIES will put the big grin on your face!
A couple of religious signs from Neil Stenlake are sprinkled throughout for your soul!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Riddles … and Waiting
• Maureen Zack – Joke or Reality?
• Fred Silver – Anagrams
• EMDAlan – Zen Sarcasm
• cousin Toby – Shrink Humor
• Elyse – Too Funny Not To Be True
• Rich Olcott – Used Car for sale. One of a Kind
• Tom Sokolowski – Don’t Drink the Water
• Steve Judovin - Laughs
• Fred Silver – 2007 Darwin Awards
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(from Stan Kegel – Riddles … and Waiting
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What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner."
How do deer communicate?
They have a hart-to-hart talk. (James Ertner )
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple.
Where do vegetables go to get married?
To the Justice of the Peas.
Is a hammer a handy tool in a math class?
No but multi-pliers are
What does the ground use to keep warm in winter?
A blanket of snow
-x-x-x=
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife. "Honey, are you reday yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, " For crying out loud. Ed. I've been telling you for the last half hour...I'll be ready in a minute."
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(from Maureen Zack – Joke or Reality?
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
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(from Fred Silver - Anagrams
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Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT (Like this one!)
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
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(from EMDAlan – Zen Sarcasm
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds t he universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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(from cousin Toby – Shrink Humor
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep
end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director
became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her
to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable..
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in
the bathroom with his Bathrobe belt right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
dry. How soon can I go home?"
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(from Elyse – Too Funny Not To Be True
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A Little Austrian Town Named . . .
The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign!
Are the residents called F*ckers?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the F*cking High School?
Does the F*cking Hospital help you with anything else?
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F*cking friend.
NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE F*CKING TOWN.
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(from Rich Olcott – Used Car for sale. One of a Kind
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The following is an actual advertisement
in an Irish newspaper:
Automobile for Sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used.
Never driven hard. Original tires. Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.
Photo attached --- You HAVE to see this.........
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Don’t Drink the Water
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An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his
pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die
kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means, "Don't drink the water, the
cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't
understand your gibberish.? Speak English, infidel!"?? The Amish man says:
"Use two hands, You'll get more."
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(from Steve Judovin - Laughs
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The Divorce
A young woman says to her mother, "Mamma 'I'm divorcing Melvin!"
"You're divorcing Melvin? Are you going out of your mind?"
"Mama, all he is wants is anal sex, and my butt hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 25,000 square foot mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $3,000.00 a
week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for a lousy 45 cents?!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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Grandma's Advice
My grandmother died many years ago but I still remember her wisdom and sage advice.
For example, when I was a teenager, we were sitting in a park on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And remember always this one thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her sweet, gentle voice... "It makes your pecker look bigger."
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Daddy ate my fingers
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
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(from Fred Silver – 2007 Darwin Awards
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As classic as classic gets! DrB
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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