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from Jerry Valentine - The Blond in First-Class
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A plane is on its way to
gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down..
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket.
She then tells Amanda that she paid for economy class and that
she will have to sit in the back.
Amanda replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston
and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and the copilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class
who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to Amanda and tries to explain that
because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and
return to her seat.
Amanda replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here."
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the
police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who
won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I'm
married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to Amanda and whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in
economy.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.
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from Neil Stenlake - HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
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George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in
the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said
"No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You
should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
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from Barbara Rosenberg - Telephone
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While on vacation in Rome, a young lady noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it.
As a young priest passed by, she asked who the telephone was for. The priest told her it was a direct line to heaven, and if she'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. She was amazed, but declined the offer.
Throughout Italy, she kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, she asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and she could call for a thousand dollars.
Then - she finished her tour in Israel and decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. When she walked in the door she noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."
"Rabbi," she said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"
The rabbi smiled and said, "Young lady", you're in Israel now. It's a local call"
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From Tom Sokolowski – They Are Finally Together!
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LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted,died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children..
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again,remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Sokolowski – Jacob & Rebecca
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JACOB & REBECCA
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way theypass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes...."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds.."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes..."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from John Bakers Wife – Grandpa and the IRS
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Dr B.. Give credit to my lovely wife on this one, please. – Debbie of Oakdale
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he
agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other
side,
so he pretty much pees all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about
it.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from StevenI – A Rabbi and the IRS Audit
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The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all the se matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Have a great weekend!
:) DrB
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