6 August 2009
Hi Everyone!
Excellent fUNNIES this week – check ‘em out as you get depressed how the summer has flown by! All the best!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary
· Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …
· Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant
· Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet
· Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment
· Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings
· Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap
· Chas Young – The Nun and Gin
· cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm
· Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools
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fROM Neil Stenlake – Why I Fired My Secretary
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Last week was my birthday And I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought..Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office , I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office , My secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office , Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office , Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
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fROM Aunt Marilyn – And Then the Fight Started …
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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fROM Stan Kegel - The Doctor's Assistant
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
Sir," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!' ''
"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!"
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fROM Jerry Valentine – My Son the Vet
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two lovely cat houses in Las Vegas and another one in Reno ."
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fROM Elyse – Quote of the Day – a Touching Sentiment
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Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
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fROM Fred Silver – Extreme Redneck Sayings
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You're an EXTREME REDNECK when:
1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.
3. You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different
night.
4. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey guys, watch
> this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your junior prom offered day care.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. You think the last words of the Stars Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start you engines.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in you card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because it's against
the law.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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fROM Feedblitz – Fritos are Cheap
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fROM Chas Young – The Nun and Gin
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A Nun was standing outside a pub door warning those entering of the dangers of drink.
One man stopped and asked her she had ever tasted alcohol, "No" she said.
"Then how can know it is evil if you have never tasted it. Have a drink and if you still think it's evil I'll believe you".
The nun thinks about this for a while and then says "I couldn't go in there".
"I'll get it for you, what would you like?"
"I'll have gin, but it wouldn't do for me to be seen out here drinking, could you get it in a tea cup for me?"
The man enters, goes up to the bar and orders a gin. "Could I have it in a tea cup please?"
"Is that bloody nun out there again!"
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fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Redneck Fire Alarm
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For those of you who want to continue to be fire safety conscious during these difficult economic times...
No need to change batteries!!!!!!!
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fROM Diane Church – Summer Campfire Cooking Tools
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Does anyone know where we can buy these??? :) DrB
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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