25 Sep 2009

25 September 2009
 
Hi Everyone!

Happy New Year to all (whether you’re jewish or not)! Think good wishes for me on Tuesday … I’ll need ‘em! Thanks!! Have a fab weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands – Twitteleh
• Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
• Barbara Rosenberg – Tonto
• Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
• Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
• Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
• Stan – Riddles & School Work
• Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
• Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
• cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah

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fROM Aunt Marilyn, the ImberBabe, & a cast of Thousands –
Twitteleh
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Very cute … many of you can identify … note, my mother IS the classic Jewish mother! (DrB)

http://www.israellycool.com/2009/09/17/twitteleh/

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fROM Ken – Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year
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http://blip.tv/file/2646973



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fROM Barbara Rosenberg - Tonto
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Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you ?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

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fROM Dr StevenI – Looking for My Wallet & Car Keys
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http://blip.tv/file/2646969

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Italian Diet
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A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.

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fROM Chas Young – The Van Gogh Family
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Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ..... . .................................................. there ya Gogh!
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fROM Stan – Riddles & School Work
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RIDDLES

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings.

When was beef the highest it has ever been?
When the cow jumped over the moon.

What did the bully say to the stamp?
"I bet I can lick you."

What's a good name for a gorilla?
Harry

Why don't crabs share?
Because they are shellfish

What happens when you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
You have a knight light.

What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese!

What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
Hot chocolate!

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Paradox": Two doctors

Use "Reverend" in a sentence: Teacher says if I don't study I'll be in this grade for REVEREND Ever.

Bloopers and other errors of grammar: Sign at a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Labels: Never iron clothes while they are being worn -- on a household iron.


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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Guess What They’re Loading on the Plane
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It's a hard disk in 1956... a hard disk drive with 5 MB storage.

In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer hard disk drive. The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a total 5 MB of data.

So start appreciating your one ounce 16 GB memory stick which has 3200 times the capacity of this monster!

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fROM Indexed – Barefoot Dancing at the End of the Wedding
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fROM cousin Eliane – The Essence of Chutzpah
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(If you don’t know this Yiddish word, you should! :) DrB)
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke.One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time.

"Excuse me, Sir. Thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price of 25 cents has gone up to 35 cents."

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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