Hi Everyone!
Hope you like ‘em … I needed ‘em this week! Thanks to everyone!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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• God Inc.
• Math
• The Snow
• The Gunslinger
• Some Signs Found in the Kitchen
• 5 Rules For Men To Follow To Achieve A Happy Life
• The Best Weekend Ever
• The Reverse Bungie Entry
• Cute One
• It’s Party Time
• Transcontinental Train
• For The Techies
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(from ricktrap) - God Inc.
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=b2f4heaG288
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(from Dave Thorn) - Math
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(from cousin Gaylannie) – The Snow
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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
Remembering her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him. She could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
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(from Neil Stenlake) - The Gunslinger
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An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to." .
Don't mess with old farts . . .
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(from Syman) – Some Signs Found in the Kitchen
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Some Signs Found In Kitchens: -From Jokedujour-
- Clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy.
- So this isn't Home Sweet Home.
- Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer do it yourself.
- I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
- I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener.
- A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- A balanced diet is dark chocolate in one hand and white chocolate in the other.
- Martha Stewart doesn't live here.
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(from Fred Silver) - 5 Rules For Men To Follow To Achieve A Happy Life
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1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well paid job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh and laughs at your jokes.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is superb in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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(from Chas Young) – The Best Weekend Ever
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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(from Chuck Hopf) – The Reverse Bungie Entry
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You don't have to be a diver to appreciate this!
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(from EMDAlan) – Cute One
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were s till waiting. As they waited, they discussed that the fact that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?!"
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(from Tom Sokolowski) – It’s Party Time
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A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years. The landlord thought he was the best renter because he never called or complained and was never late on a payment.
These pictures don't even come close to what it really looked like "century 21 realty" had already moved some of the cans out, and they had caved in the tunnels that the renter had made to get to the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.
All this, yet you still do not see any dust, scattered clothing, or dirty dishes anywhere. Other than having a minor drinking problem, he was basically a very clean, organized person. Add to this, the fact that he was concerned about his health, proven by the fact that he drank a "light" beer
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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Transcontinental Train
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
THE END
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(from Leilani Allen) – For The Techies
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TOP 10 Silicon Valley Mottoes
1. Where quality is Job One-Point-One
2. Artificial intelligence -- when you just can't get the real thing
3. Sleep is for the weak
4. Silicon Valley Population: 110010101000101010010101000001110010101010101011
5. "It Compiles. Ship It"
6. Silicon Valley: commute, compute, commute
7. Come for the overtaxing work environment, stay for the unaffordable housing prices
8. God bless the early adopters
9. Upgrade or perish
10. We don't just make your computer, we make your computer obsolete!
TOP 10 SOFTWARE ENGINEERING PRODUCT TERMS
1. NEW: Different colors from previous version.
2. ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
3. UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
4. ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
5. NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
6. BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
7. DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoestring budget.
8. UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
9. UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
10. XP COMPATIBLE: We changed the label on the box but cross your fingers when installing
Top 10 replies by developers when their programs don't work:
1. "It's never done that before."
2. "It worked yesterday."
3. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
4. "You must have the wrong version."
5. "I can't test everything!"
6. "Somebody must have changed my code."
7. "You can't use that version on your system."
8. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
9. "I thought I fixed that."
10. "It must be a hardware problem."
The next 10 replies by developers when their programs don't work:
1. That's not a bug. That's a documented feature! Didn't you read the release notes?
2. Maybe you should be using an alternative application server
3. That's a parsing error. You have to manually fix that.
4. The new XML version will fix that, but you'll have to build your own style sheets.
5. We had a fix for that, but it wasn't compatible with Windows XP, so we took it out.
6. Ooops. I copied the wrong version to the server. Wait 10 minutes and try it again.
7. Didn't they tell you? You need to close all other applications when running that one.
8. You need to defragment your hard drive.
9. That's not our bug. That's an XTS bug! 21. Reboot and try it again.
10. That was a fluke. It will never happen again.
TOP 10 PROGRAMMER T-SHIRTS
1. Upgrade: To take out old bugs and put in new ones
2. Logic: the art of being wrong with confidence
3. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers
4. Life would be easier if I had the source code
5. Will code for food
6. Document my code? Why do you think they call it "code"?
7. If at first you don’t succeed. . .call it version 1.0
8. Use the Best
Linux for servers
Macintosh for graphics
Palm for mobility
Windows for solitaire
9. Double your drive space—delete Windows
10. Shut up and Reboot
TOP 10 KINDS OF SOFTWARE TESTING
1. REGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug ... I'm outta here.
2. AGGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill somebody!!
3. DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself.
4. CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, okay, that's a bug.
5. DIGRESSION TESTING: I'm sure it works, by the way, did I show you my new plasma screen TV...?
6. EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!
7. REPRESSION TESTING: Just don’t think about it. . .it will go away
8. SUCCESSION TESTING: Oh, that system is dead. You should be testing the NEW one.
9. SUGGESTION TESTING: Well, it works but wouldn't it be better if...?
10. SUPPRESSION TESTING: Just leave it alone for awhile; maybe it will work later.
Q: How many 'Testers' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Testers just report that it's dark.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
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