some very funny cartoons
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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from cousin Gaylannie - Number 1 Idiot of 2006
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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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from Neil Stenlake - Redneck Pickup Lines
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1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
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from Irving4 - Free Lemonade
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I guess you get what you pay for!
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from Clark Kidd - Church Squirrels
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There were five country churches in a small Texas town - Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and a Jewish Synagogue. One summer, each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. But the squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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from Jackieten - Over the Hill
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Ain't it great to be over the hill?!
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but it was rumored they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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from Chas Young - 3-minute management course
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the Next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $300 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $300 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?"
Moral: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, revealing a shapely calf. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to check Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
Moral: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
materialises. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first, me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's
gone.
"Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. "Right" he says. "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The Eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the Eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral: If you want to do nothing, best be very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Moral: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Thus endeth the 3-minute management course.
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from cousin Toby - In Mourning
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ,,, except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom
He replies: "I want to make a Shiva call."
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