Super … hope you like ‘em! Have a GREAT weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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FROM:
• Chas Young – A Religious Experience
• Maureen Zack – Law and Order
• EMDAlan – Clocks In Heaven
• Jackster – 3 Women in a Sauna
• Chas (again)– Don’t Laugh
• Jackster (again) – The Seamstress – A Parable
• Tom Sokolowski – The World’s Shortest Books
• Ken Halpern - The Four Ghosts of the White House
• Jackieten – Chinese Sick Leave
• Irving4 - My new girl friend is a 320 lb. woman. Guess what she looks like?
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(from Chas Young) – A Religious Experience
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked down and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
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God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
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(from Maureen Zack) – Law and Order
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A cop was patrolling just before midnight in a well-known Lovers spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's Lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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(from EMDAlan) – Clocks In Heaven
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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(from Jackster) – 3 Women in a Sauna
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Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. "that was my pager," she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
the older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The woman finally said, "well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!
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(another one from Chas) – Don’t Laugh
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"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Fred.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman...I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied...
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(another from Jackster) – The Seamstress – A Parable
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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is his your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
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(from Tom Sokolowski) – The World’s Shortest Books
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FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY: MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
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(from Ken) - The Four Ghosts of the White House
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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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(from Jackieten) – Chinese Sick Leave
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
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(from Irving4) - My new girl friend is a 320 lb. woman. Guess what she looks like?
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The question is, What does Irving' s 320 pound woman look like?
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 might look like....
Got it?
Ready? You know of course she has to be pretty. met her on match.com
Not what you were expecting, was it??!!
She is the tallest and biggest woman in the world and lives in Holland. I can only see her twice a year. She is 7'4" an weighs 320 lbs..I use extra tall cowboy boots when we walk together.
Those of you woman who worry that you are overweight are really just too short.
Have A Great Day!
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