23 Feb 2007

23 February 2007

Hi Everyone!

They’re real good! Get those chuckles in to start your weekend off right!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -
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Contributions This Week From …
- Irving4 – The Zipper
- Jackster – He Does WHAT?
- Sjud, ken, gaylannie, & many others - A Bar Mitzvah Invitation
- Neil Stenlake – Abe and Esther
- Paul Keister – A Couple of Good Cartoons
- Jackieten – Elaborate Funeral
- Tom Sokolowski – Annual Physical
- Chas Young – A Polish Joke
- Syman – Coffee and a Doughnut
- EMDAlan – Check Out How Smart You Are

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(from Irving4) – The Zipper
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini shirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are."

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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(from Jackster) – He Does WHAT?
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My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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(from sjud, gaylannie, ken, and too many others to numerous to name)
- A Bar Mitzvah Invitation
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(thanks to the throngs of you that sent this to me in the last two weeks … clearly, it must’ve rung some alarm somewhere! And to those of you who have not lived thru the planning of a Bar Mitzvah, well, this should sum it all up for you! :) DrB)

A Real Bar Mitzvah Invitation

In keeping up with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son

Jacob Adam

is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th
(yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880

at the ungodly hour of 9:00am - even though you don't really need to
be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the three hour service, please skip the kiddush (its
just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly
large and ostentatious evening meal, which starts at 7:00pm.
(not 8:00pm, or you will miss out on all the appetizers).

Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S.
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and
you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats,
fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees.

Most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and "tootsed" to the nines.
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence.
Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be billed $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not the day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.

Hope you can make it!

Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength!


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(from Neil Stenlake) – Abe and Esther
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forg ot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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(from Paul Keister) – A Couple of Good Ones
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(from jackieten) – Elaborate Funeral
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Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Annual Physical
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A woman went to her doctor for her annual checkup. After an examination, the doctor sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, my sweet daughter... we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling much less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

"I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. Yet you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

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(from Chas Young) – A Polish Joke
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A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. He was showed a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know that guy!"

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(from Syman) – Coffee and a Doughnut
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Sent by Bigguyhereagain-

Coffee and a doughnut:

"Look at this mess!" roared the angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed donut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.

"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut, and step on it."


A L S O --


Applying to become a citizen: -From Carl's Jewish Humor list Via:
Teddi-

Saul Estie was taking an oral exam applying for citizenship papers.

He was asked to spell 'cultivate' and he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and said,

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

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(from EMDAlan) – Check Out How Smart You Are
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How Smart Are You? (click this link!)

(I am an Honor Student!  DrB)