Hi Everyone!
Spring is here! Whoohoo (but where the heck is the sun???) Hope you enjoy the weekend immensely!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents - Contributions from the many came from …
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• Fred Silver - Cartoons
• Tom Sokolowski – Medicare in a Nutshell
• Sokolowski – Counseling for Married Couples
• Syman – A Couple of Jokes Of The Day
• Jackster – Church Humor
• Reno Puntillo – Little Davie
• Barbara Rosenberg – Mother / Daughter
• Paul Keister – Creation
• Fred Silver – When a Japanese Baby is Born
• Chas Young – A Few Good Ones
• Jackster – Life in the 1500s
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(from Fred Silver - Cartoons
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Medicare in a Nutshell
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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(from Sokolowski – Counseling for Married Couples
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
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(from Syman – A Couple Of Jokes Of The Day
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The soccer team was loosing badly. In desperation the coach ran over to his worst player and said, "Chad, I want you to go out there and get mean and tough."
"Okay, Coach! said Chad. He jumped to his feet, looking at the other team's players, asked,
"Uh, Coach, which one's Mean and which one's Tough?"
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SMILE, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD:
The Lifeboat: -From Me Mail.com Via: Stan Kegel-
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble.
The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's position, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position. Well, I'm marketing director of a medium-sized computer software company."
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(from Jackster) – Church Humor
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly by "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
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(from Reno Puntillo – Little Davie
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Mother / Daughter
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Phone rings.
JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers
Jewish Mother
Hello?
Daughter
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother
You're going out?
Daughter
Yes.
Jewish Mother
With whom?
Daughter
With a friend.
Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter
I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish MotherWhat are you hinting at?
Daughter
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter
He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter
Such a what?
Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter
ENOUGH!!!
Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter
Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter
Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone
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(from Paul Keister - Creation
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life s pan"
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
Y ears."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you…
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(from Fred Silver – When a Japanese Baby is Born
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When a Japanese Baby is Born
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(from Chas Young – A Few Good Ones
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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(from Jackster – Life in the 1500s
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The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water . The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old ..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
Educate someone. Share these facts with a Friend
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