Hi Everyone!
Very cute … enjoy!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions this week from --
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• Neil Stenlake – Timing
• SYMAN – SYMAN SAYS
• Tom Sokolowski – Farmer Clyde
• Don – Go For It, Rudy! (photo)
• Chas Young – On the Wagon
• Neil Stenlake – The Golfer
• Scott Dismukes – Don’t Mess With Children
• Jackieten – New Computer Upgrades (pictures)
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(from Neil Stenlake - Timing
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She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says; "You've got to make love to me - this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all - right there, on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
Puzzled at her casual demeanour after such an unusual event, he asks;
"What was that all about?"
She explains; "The egg timer's broken." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SYMAN – SYMAN SAYS
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"The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana."
What Do You Call …?
- A girl on a tennis court?
ANNETTE
- A guy in your wallet?
BUCK
- A guy who is always running after things?
CHASE
- A Girl who lends her things freely?
CHER
- A Couple who runs a butcher shop?
CHUCK & PATTY
-Twin men hanging over a window?
CURT & ROD
-A girl who gets up early in the morning?
DAWN
-A girl who is full of goodwill?
GRACE
-A girl who is a real jewel?
JASMINE
A guy or a girl who live on the beach?
SANDY
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Farmer Clyde
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded,
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?
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(from Don – Go For It, Rudy! (photo)
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(from Chas Young – On the Wagon
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A policeman pulls over a driver who has a Fosters (Bud) label stuck to his forehead.
The policeman says "Have you been drinking?"
The driver replies "No, I've given up. I'm on the patches now".
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(from Neil Stenlake – The Golfer
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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed - driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the club house. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You'll never hit her from here!"
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(from Scott Dismukes – Don’t Mess With Children
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
-x-x-x-
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-x-x-x-
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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(from Jackieten – New Computer Upgrades (pictures)
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started.
No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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