Hi Everyone!
Well it’s that special day again (Dr Bernie’s actual birthday). It’s cold, raining, thundering, and yucky … yup, another happy birthday! Hope you get some good chuckles from these!
:-)> Dr Bernie
PS – And thanks to Maureen Zack for actually remembering when she sent me her joke this week! I’m impressed!
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Contributions This Week From -
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* Paul Keister – State Road
* Don – Blonde With 2 Chimps
* Maureen Zack – How To Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook
* Lyn Hecker – Unbelievable
* Stan Kegel - Jest For The Pun Of It
* Chas Young - Mathematics
* Jim Lewis – Mere Coincidence?
* Chas Young – D H Lawrence Would’ve Been Proud To Write This!
* Jackster – Priest in the Village
* Dick Szeide – Perks of Being Over 60
* Bonus Movie - from Chas Young - Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential
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(from Paul Keister – State Road
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A guy goes to the West Virginia DOH office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. "
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.
"This is a state job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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(from Don – Blonde With 2 Chimps
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
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(from Maureen Zack – How To Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook
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1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'George Bush'
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'George Bush?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Cheney
PPS: Happy Birthday, Dr. Bernie!!!!!!!!
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(from Lyn Hecker - Unbelievable
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(from Stan Kegel - Jest For The Pun Of It
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What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs? A senseless act of violins. -Mel Brightman-
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. -Henny Youngman
Studying for a difficult nutrition exam can be hard to digest. -Jumble-
Did you hear about the upholsterer's who couldn't cover their costs? -Paul Benoit
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. -Danny Kaye-
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.. - Pun of the Day-
In the old South, another name for bridesmaids is wedding belles. -Jumble
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(from Chas Young - Mathematics
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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
* What Makes 100%?
* What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
* Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
* We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
* What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If the alphabetical letters
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are respectively represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!
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(from Jim Lewis – Mere Coincidence?
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Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that
an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This information may clear up a lot of questions.
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(from Chas Young – D H Lawrence Would’ve Been Proud To Write This!
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This one goes well with the previous fUNNY! :) DrB
Maybe the book is available in Roswell New Mexico too! :) DrB
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(from Jackster – Priest in the Village
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A priest kept chickens at his village parish. One evening while feeding the chickens he noticed the cock was missing. At Mass the priest asked, " Who has a cock?" And all the men got up. "No I meant who has seen a cock?" And all the women stood up. "No I meant who seen a cock that isn't theirs' And half the women stood up. "Oh for
goodness sake I meant who has seen my cock?" And all choir boys stood
up!
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(from Dick Szeide – Perks of Being Over 60
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PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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Bonus Movie - from Chas Young - Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential
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Self-explanatory!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
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