Hi Everyone!
Sorry these are coming to you after Friday – had to go to a funeral! But hopefully, they’ll start your week off right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Barbara Rosenberg – Cartoons
• Chas Young – Boy on a Bus
• Joel Goldstein & from Aunt Marilyn – The Remember Song
• Jerry Valentine – Blonde Joke
• Maureen Zack – Mystery Solved!
• And from Tom Sokolowski
o Retarded Grandparents
o New Car Alarm
o Choking Son
o Results Get Rewarded!
o A Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - Cartoons
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(from Chas Young – Boy on a Bus
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a Book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The Little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of Hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar..."
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Retarded Grandparents
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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(from Joel Goldstein & from Aunt Marilyn – The Remember Song
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To all my old friends - and to the not so old, who are getting older... Tom Rush, and he’s simply terrific!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
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(from Tom Sokolowski – New Car Alarm
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Takes 30 seconds, rated G, as long as you have headphones on … or speakers if no one else is around!
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(from Jerry Valentine – Blonde Joke
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said ...
You'll love this ...
Yep! I know you will ...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS "
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Choking Son
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A Father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking and shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze them, gently at first and then
twists them and squeezes them very firmly. After a few seconds the
boy convulses violently, screams and coughs up the quarter, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, thank you, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No", the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney."
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(from Maureen Zack – Mystery Solved!
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The Japanese have finally solved a mystery for us.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when you move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Click on the link below and you will find out. Be patient. The image will take a minute (or three) to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. Also, click on the circle.
Follow this link and find out the truth: http://www.1-click.jp/
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Results Get Rewarded!
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the >>ister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."
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(from Tom Sokolowski - A Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying...
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Just browse over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com, and just submit your email address! That's all there is to it!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
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