Thanks to all our contributors this week … a GREAT set … make a few extra minutes to go thru them all … you wont be sorry! Wishing you a terrific superdooper weekend and a fun Father’s Day !
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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• Tom Sokolowski – Catholic Gasoline
• Ken Williams – Paint the Church
• Paul Keister – Practical Solution to Political Problems
• Dave Thorn – Double Top 10
• Jerry Valentine – Creative Thinking
• Maureen Zack – Interesting Statistics
• Irving – 2%
• Fred Silver – Solve The Mystery!
• Chas Young – Sold!
• Barbara Rosenberg - #1 Song on Your Birthdate
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Catholic Gasoline
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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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(from Ken Williams – Paint the Church
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There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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(from Paul Keister – Practical Solution to Political Problems
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Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with email concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants, to boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. My response solves both my gas and illegal Immigrant problems.... I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos, so they have to go home to spend it.
Don't you love it when a plan comes together?
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(from Dave Thorn – Double Top 10
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Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Organized Crime Show
10. It chronicles the life and times of the Jackson family
9. Mob bosses settle conflicts with spirited game of Trivial Pursuit
8. Only illegal activity is double parking
7. Mobsters whack an informant by driving up his cholesterol with rich desserts
6. Boss makes guy an offer he has the option of refusing
5. All nine mobsters played by Eddie Murphy -- remember "Norbit" is now available on DVD
4. They sit around eating sausage and pepperoni Hot Pockets
3. Everyone dies after catching tuberculosis from guy on airplane
2. Crime syndicate is run from behind bars by Paris Hilton
1. It's less violent than a typical episode of "The View"
Top Ten Surprises in "The Sopranos" Series Finale
10. Paula Abdul shows up as celebrity judge, thinks the Sopranos are singers
9. Bada Bing strip club changes into bingo parlor named "Bada Bingo!"
8. Pauly Walnuts reveals hair coloring routine after signing exclusive contract with Just For Men
7. Tony comes out of the shower to find it was all a dream and he's actually just a fat guy from New Jersey
6. Dr. Melfi reveals she's actually a podiatrist
5. Bob Barker neuters Tony
4. Tony seated next to Tuberculosis Guy on flight to witness protection program
3. Ugly turf war with The Altos and The Baritones
2. Rosie O'Donnell makes guest appearance as Tony's long lost twin brother
1. Tony's psychiatrist says he can't go to prison because of "medical condition"
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(from Jerry Valentine – Creative Thinking
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Why I got Fired....For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol , but only one (1) drink per person...
I was fired for ordering the cups.
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(from Maureen Zack – Interesting Statistics
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Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq , here's a sobering statistic: There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,867 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.
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(from Irving – 2%
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At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%.! You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test".
Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.
You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.
You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is:
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more!
123 + 5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
Scroll further to the bottom....
A bit more...
You just thought about a red hammer! , didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.
98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone. .
Oh, BTW, in searching the web, the consensus explanation is that is that the specific numerical calculations have nothing to do with this...They just clear the mind such that most people will respond with the statistically highest responses...
http://www.thecorpuscle.com/2005/07/red_hammer_thin.html
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(from Fred Silver – Solve The Mystery!
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Hi! This is for you baseball players....
3 Old Ladies from Arizona
This is a detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!
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(from Chas Young – Sold!
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.”
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that s*it again you little p*ick, you're in my cupboard now"!!
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - #1 Song on Your Birthdate
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Do you know what the #1 song was on the day you were born?
Click this link to find out.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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