Hi Everyone!
Away in the mountains … not many neurons are needed here – yay! But fUNNIES are most definitely a firm requirement!
A special thanks this week to the Nerfherder Gal (below) for reminding me (the Nerfherder Dad) of how truly geeky I am, and how this has spilled over to infect my offspring!
Enjoy the spectacular superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Parts 1 & 2
Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
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(from Mark Coleman – Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
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(from The Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 1
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The Nerfherder blog (thenerfherder.blogspot.com) consists of editorials about the cross-section of where politics and culture meet cyberspac – usually very serious and thought provoking stuff. The following is a post submitted by Nerfherder contributing author Marissa Fox, heretofore known as "The Nerfherder Gal".
I know there are some of you out there who can relate to having your anniversary calculated in hexadecimal, having at least two computers in your one-bedroom apartment, and having to figure out why Linux is better than Microsoft. It’s hard to slow your man down when he gets started about how evil iTunes is, and you still can’t understand where his anger towards Apple stems from. If your boyfriend has a blog, thinks "Joost" will take over the world, or believes in "open source" then you know what I’m talking about. The question is do you read his blog and "digg it" afterwards to show support? Do you believe that by clicking on the advertisements he will make enough money to possibly receive a check some day, and will hopefully spend that money on you? Do you look at his Linux machine with awe, every time he gets excited about a new feature he’s discovered? Or do we tune them out just a little bit?
Personally, my boyfriend, a.k.a The Nerfherder, can not hit a nail on the head with a hammer, doesn’t know how to paint a room, or do any other physical labor around the house. Those kind of tasks fall under my responsibilities. Though I’ve grown up around men who were considered “manly” for fixing, lifting, and building things, is my boyfriend "un-manly" because he can’t? OR is he more "manly" because he can solve the problems of tomorrow? We all know that computers are the way of the future, and he can de-bug, de-frag, and program C++ with the best of them. He may get disgruntled moving furniture, or lose his patience in the beginning stages of painting a room, but does that really matter? The question I pose to every one out there is: Are computer nerds the new high-powered, "manly" knights in shining armor of the future?
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(from the Nerfherder Gal – Life as a Computer Geeks Girlfriend – Part 2
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Recently, I watched my boyfriend and his father (both members of the computer programming world) try to video chat online. At the prospect of chatting with his father "live" my boyfriend was more then a bit excited. He practically dragged me out into the living room so that I could partake in this exhilarating event. As I sat on the couch watching them set their computers up I was in awe of the absurdity of these two grown men. Nerfherder Dad was sitting in front of his video cam, waving like a fool while his picture came in upside down. He couldn’t hear or see The Nerfherder, however he continued to wave and speak into his microphone. As my boyfriend typed to his father (because obviously his microphone was not working), his father read slowly outloud each of his messages. "I- a-m -u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n", "Oh", "I – a-m – s-t-i-l-l u-p-s-i-d-e d-o-w-n".
I watched them for about 45 minutes while The Nerfherder tried to "fix" his web cam, so they could actually conference, and Nerfherder Dad tried make himself right side up. I watched his father sign on, and off, and on, and off. Meanwhile the The Nerfherder was playing with the applications on his computer trying to figure out what went wrong. After watching this commotion for a while, I finally suggested checking to see if the camera was plugged in, and low and behold it was not. These are two men, one with his PHD in computer science, the other in the process of getting his, sitting in front of their computers loving the fact that they can send their picture across the internet for all to see, while Nerfherder Mom and I roll our eyes in the background.
Until next time!
Nerfherder Gal
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(from Mark Colemen – 3 Holy Men and a Bear
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A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one h ill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with Ivy's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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(from Kim Auger – Fall Classes for Men
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Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, June 22, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 How To Make Ice Cubes--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day.
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(from Neil Stenlake – You Can’t Trust Pirates
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(from John Meeker – What Newspaper Do You Read?
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1. The *Wall Street Journal* is read by the people who run the country.
2. The *Washington Post* is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The *New York Times* is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. *USA Today* is read by people who think they maybe ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. *The Los Angeles Times* is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Beverly Hills to do it.
6. The *Boston Globe* is read by people whose ancestors used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The *New York Daily News* is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The *New York Post* is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The *Miami Herald* is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The *San Francisco Chronicle* is read by people who aren't sure if anyone runs the country, but if they find out who does, they oppose all them. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, or feminist, provided, of course, that they are not republicans.
11. *HOY* is read by two Mexican-American businessmen and a gardener in Boyle Heights.
12 . The *National Enquirer* is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13 . Nothing is read by the guy who has run this country into the ground.
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(from Alberto Ramos – Guys Rules
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AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN. FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY. (I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES" FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS.. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE ..
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT I S JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
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(from Mrs Charlie Z - Menopause Jewelry
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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(from Neil Stenlake – The Old Couple
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An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through the old lady leans over to her husband and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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