Hi Everyone!
It’s been a long week … and especially a long day! Hope these bring you a smile!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contribution This Week From -
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• cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
• Just Annette – Mathematics and …
• Judy Hirsch – Golf
• Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
• Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
• Fred Silver – The Duck
• EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
• cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
• Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
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(from cousin Jeff via cousin Toby – Eye Test
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THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were oriental. It works .
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(from Dave Thorn – Top 10 … iPhone
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Top Ten Little-Known Features of the New iPhone
10. Shows you pictures of food you can no longer afford since you purchased it
9. Every time you hit the "shift" button Bill Gates gets a shock
8. Automatically deletes e-mail subpoenaed by Congress
7. Also comes in the heavier "Russell Crowe" model -- better for throwing at people
6. For an extra hundred bucks, they'll capitalize the "i"
5. Vibrate mode "guarantees satisfaction"
4. Gives a GPS warning when Nicole Richie is driving toward you
3. Runs the city of Philadelphia for you, so you're free to wait in line for iPhone 2
2. Alerts you every time Paris Hilton finds God
1. Automatically removes 600 dollars from your wallet
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(from Just Annette – Mathematics and …
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die
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(from Judy Hirsch - Golf
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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(from Sibel and from Mark Colman – Car Accident
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A woman rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He was pissed! He looked up at the woman and said, "I am not happy!" The woman said, "Then which one are you?"
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(from Dick Szeide – The 11th Husband
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a product he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...........
God I miss him."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You’re with the "IRS".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
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(from Fred Silver – The Duck
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman"
That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" The duck questioned
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f *** would they want with a plasterer ?"
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(from EMDAlan – You Tube: Bill Malone
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Too unreal! YouTube - Bill Malone - Sam the Bellhop
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(from cousin Toby – When You’re Feeling Stupid
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Miss Alabama (the winner) in the 1994 Miss USA contest: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
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(from Fred Silver – The Hippie and the Nun
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A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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