Hi Everyone!
Have a few zillion laughs with these! Enjoy the terribly needed weekend! Take an extra minute out and read ‘em down to the end … you won’t be sorry (thanks to Fred Silver!)
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• EMDAlan – Rick Is In Trouble
• Tom Sokolowski – Einstein’s Birthday
• Mark Colman – A Smile A Day
• Syman – A Good Homework Excuse
• Chuck – And the Moral of the Story Is …
• Barbara Rosenberg – Sex With Tiger Woods
• David Juraschek – New Drug + Groaners
• Stan Kegel via Syman – Glorious Giggles
• Denny Adams – Osama’s Fate
• Fred Silver – Best Comeback Line Ever …
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(from EMDAlan – Rick Is In Trouble
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Rick is in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway .
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Einstein’s Birthday
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August 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
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(from Mark Colman – A Smile A Day
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At least one of these should make you laugh!
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(from Syman – A Good Homework Excuse
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A Good Homework Excuse: -From bigguyhereagain-
When Vickie was in the fifth grade she looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Vickie? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes it is," replied Vickie. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Vickie, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, that won't work," said Vickie, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."
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(from Chuck – And the Moral of the Story Is …
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am", Little Johnny replied.
"My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens", cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Sex With Tiger Woods
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
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(from David Juraschek – New Drug + Groaners
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New Drug from the DNC Pharmacies ...
TryPhorGettin
+++++
Know why Adam wore a fig leaf? He wore the plants in his family!
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Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation, the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I’ll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
+++++
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library and the librarian quips after checking the books.
"Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one!"
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(from Stan Kegel via Syman – Glorious Giggles
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GLORIOUS GIGGLES: -From Joanna Breitmeyer Via, Stan Kegel-
** He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
** The one who invented the door knocker got a "No-bell prize."
** Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
** When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
** Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
** In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
** It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
** A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
** Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
** A Pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
** Nylons give women a run for their money.
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(from Denny Adams – Osama’s Fate
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
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(from Fred Silver – Best Comeback Line Ever …
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This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....
"A pumpkin? .... Shit...is it midnight already??!!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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