Hi Everyone!
Terrific fUNNIES contributed this week by so many people! Thank you all! I just couldn’t stop laughing … I hope you like this subset I’ve glued together. And don’t forget to get down to the bottom to ‘How Does This Work?’ … too good!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Frank Ingrassia – My Next Life
• Stan Kegel via Syman - Halloween Humor
• Neil Stenlake – Whoops!
• cousin Toby - Why Men Can Pee Standing Up
• Al Ramos – So True
• Clark Kidd – Something to Think About …
• Chas Young – Naughty Planning
• Chas Young – The Bottle of Wine
• Tom Sokolowski – Red Sox Humor
• cousins Stacie & Toby – How Does This Work
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(from Frank Ingrassia – My Next Life
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I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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(from Stan Kegel via Syman - Halloween Humor
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How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body. -Clynch Varnadore-
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.
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(from Neil Stenlake – Whoops!
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Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.
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(from cousin Toby - Why Men Can Pee Standing Up
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Click on the picture to enlarge ...
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(from Al Ramos – So True
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Enjoy – if you can!
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(from Clark Kidd – Something to Think About …
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As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The custodian looked at him gravely ... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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(from Chas Young – Naughty Planning
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A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind...
So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line you need to press 0.”
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(from Chas Young – The Bottle of Wine
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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Red Sox Humor
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On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?" "Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
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A family of New York Yankee fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston Red Sox jersey for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother ." Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good! And what is it you learned?" The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards!"
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Four baseball fans - a Cubs fan, a Cardinals fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Cubs fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for the Cubs!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan shouts, "This is for the Cardinals!" and throws himself off the mountain. The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for everyone!" and pushes the Yankees fan off the mountain.
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A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
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(from cousins Stacie & Toby – How Does This Work?
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gotta try this....very
bizarre - what the ?
www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html
[answer next week thanks to Jeff & Louis]
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started.
No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
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