23 Feb 2007

23 February 2007

Hi Everyone!

They’re real good! Get those chuckles in to start your weekend off right!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -
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Contributions This Week From …
- Irving4 – The Zipper
- Jackster – He Does WHAT?
- Sjud, ken, gaylannie, & many others - A Bar Mitzvah Invitation
- Neil Stenlake – Abe and Esther
- Paul Keister – A Couple of Good Cartoons
- Jackieten – Elaborate Funeral
- Tom Sokolowski – Annual Physical
- Chas Young – A Polish Joke
- Syman – Coffee and a Doughnut
- EMDAlan – Check Out How Smart You Are

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(from Irving4) – The Zipper
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini shirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are."

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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(from Jackster) – He Does WHAT?
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My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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(from sjud, gaylannie, ken, and too many others to numerous to name)
- A Bar Mitzvah Invitation
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(thanks to the throngs of you that sent this to me in the last two weeks … clearly, it must’ve rung some alarm somewhere! And to those of you who have not lived thru the planning of a Bar Mitzvah, well, this should sum it all up for you! :) DrB)

A Real Bar Mitzvah Invitation

In keeping up with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son

Jacob Adam

is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th
(yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880

at the ungodly hour of 9:00am - even though you don't really need to
be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the three hour service, please skip the kiddush (its
just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly
large and ostentatious evening meal, which starts at 7:00pm.
(not 8:00pm, or you will miss out on all the appetizers).

Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S.
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and
you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats,
fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees.

Most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and "tootsed" to the nines.
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence.
Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be billed $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not the day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.

Hope you can make it!

Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength!


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(from Neil Stenlake) – Abe and Esther
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forg ot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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(from Paul Keister) – A Couple of Good Ones
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(from jackieten) – Elaborate Funeral
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Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Annual Physical
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A woman went to her doctor for her annual checkup. After an examination, the doctor sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, my sweet daughter... we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling much less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

"I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. Yet you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

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(from Chas Young) – A Polish Joke
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A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. He was showed a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know that guy!"

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(from Syman) – Coffee and a Doughnut
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Sent by Bigguyhereagain-

Coffee and a doughnut:

"Look at this mess!" roared the angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed donut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.

"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut, and step on it."


A L S O --


Applying to become a citizen: -From Carl's Jewish Humor list Via:
Teddi-

Saul Estie was taking an oral exam applying for citizenship papers.

He was asked to spell 'cultivate' and he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and said,

"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

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(from EMDAlan) – Check Out How Smart You Are
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How Smart Are You? (click this link!)

(I am an Honor Student!  DrB)

16 February 2007

Hi Everyone!

Super … hope you like ‘em! Have a GREAT weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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FROM:
• Chas Young – A Religious Experience
• Maureen Zack – Law and Order
• EMDAlan – Clocks In Heaven
• Jackster – 3 Women in a Sauna
• Chas (again)– Don’t Laugh
• Jackster (again) – The Seamstress – A Parable
• Tom Sokolowski – The World’s Shortest Books
• Ken Halpern - The Four Ghosts of the White House
• Jackieten – Chinese Sick Leave
• Irving4 - My new girl friend is a 320 lb. woman. Guess what she looks like?

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(from Chas Young) – A Religious Experience
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.


Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked down and killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this!!!)
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God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

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(from Maureen Zack) – Law and Order
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A cop was patrolling just before midnight in a well-known Lovers spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's Lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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(from EMDAlan) – Clocks In Heaven
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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(from Jackster) – 3 Women in a Sauna
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Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "that was my pager," she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

the older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The woman finally said, "well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!

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(another one from Chas) – Don’t Laugh
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"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Fred.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman...I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied...
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(another from Jackster) – The Seamstress – A Parable
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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is his your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – The World’s Shortest Books
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FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY: MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy

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(from Ken) - The Four Ghosts of the White House
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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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(from Jackieten) – Chinese Sick Leave
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

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(from Irving4) - My new girl friend is a 320 lb. woman. Guess what she looks like?
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The question is, What does Irving' s 320 pound woman look like?

Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 might look like....
Got it?

Ready? You know of course she has to be pretty. met her on match.com





Not what you were expecting, was it??!!

She is the tallest and biggest woman in the world and lives in Holland. I can only see her twice a year. She is 7'4" an weighs 320 lbs..I use extra tall cowboy boots when we walk together.

Those of you woman who worry that you are overweight are really just too short.
Have A Great Day!

9 Feb 2007

In this weeks fRIDAY fUNNIES …
• 2 from Randy Smith – Markings on the Wall & Government Truisms
• 2 from the ImberBabe & her Sister-in-Law – Short Story & Man of the House
• 1 from Syman – Golf Outing
• 1 from Jackster – Oil Changes: Men vs Women
• 3 from Tom Sokolowski – Adult Riddles, Control, and Dad’s Joke
• 1 from Bill Fairchild – Crack in Airplane

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(from Randy Smith) – Markings on the Wall
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Remember when you were a kid and your parents lined you up against a door frame to mark how tall you were and dated the mark? Well this cartoon brings a whole new perspective to that exercise :-)


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(from The ImberBabe’s Sister-in-Law Esther) – Short Story
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Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out window, "PIG!" Man yells out window, "B I T C H!" Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought for the day: If only men would listen.


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(another from the ImberBabe) – Man of the House
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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,”From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my first guess."

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(from Syman) – Golf Outing
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A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was. His first drive went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the grren, he turned to his wife and said,

"And you thought I was having a good time."
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(another from Randy Smith) – Government Truisms
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Subject: Government Truisms

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)


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(from Jackster) – Oil Changes: Men vs Women
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Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $25.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $26.00

==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write
a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to

gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH......

AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.....


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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Adult Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

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(another from Sokolowski) - Control
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I guess we all knew this....


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(from Sokolowski) – Dad’s Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Willie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Willie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


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(from Bill Fairchild) – Crack in Airplane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.





H A V E A G R E A T W E E K E N D !!!

2 Feb 2007

2 February 2007

Hi Everyone!

Tough week this week … these really helped put a smile or two back into me! Thanks!!

:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Barbara Rosenberg – Best Blonde Joke I’ve Seen
• Barbara Rosenberg – Super Husband
• Irving4 and Chuck – How to Tell if You Have Smelly Feet
• Tom Sokolowski – Redneck Mama
• Lori Winick – Tech Support: Installing Husband 1.0
• Scott Dismukes – The Balloonist and the Fisherman
• Bricana – Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
• Dick Sziede - Two Computer Nerds In A Bar... **lame joke alert!**
• Jackieten – Anisette Cookies
• Jackster – A Winter Poem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Best Blonde Joke I’ve Seen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click To Play

Self-explanatory!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Super Husband
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A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

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(from Irving4) – How to Tell if You Have Smelly Feet
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) – Redneck Mama
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A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS?"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says,

"Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest, he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes; it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lori Winick) – Tech Support: Installing Husband 1.0
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Subject: Tech Support

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

-----------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While usband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited emory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance: we recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

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(from Scott Dismukes) – The Balloonist and the Fisherman
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am replied the man.” "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

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(from Bricana) – Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!
Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.


She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the GIBLETS

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(from Dick Sziede) - Two Computer Nerds In A Bar... **lame joke alert!**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

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(from Jackieten) – Anisette Cookies
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This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture, lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Get outta here! " she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"

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(from Jackster) – A Winter Poem
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I received this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you on these cold winter days ahead. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....





" WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


SHIT, It's Cold!