Hi Everyone!
Fabulous! Politics are in this week in a big way! And don’t miss the last one this week – as my old friend Minda used to say, it’s a hoot! Hope you get those great chuckles to start your weekend off right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Mark Colman – 2008
- Chuck Hopf – Driving Miss Hillary
- Tom Sokolowski – Pickup Line
- Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
- Barbara Rosenberg – The Polite Way to Pee
- Tom Sokolowski – True or False?
- Chas Young – Irish Sausages
- Dick Sziede - Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
- Aunt Marilyn - Don't Fart in Bed
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from Mark Colman - 2008
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It takes a minute or so to load … and it’s probably a couple of years old … but it’s good! Too bad Baraq isn’t in it!
http://jokelibrary.net/yyPictures/m/2008b.html
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from Chuck Hopf – Driving Miss Hillary
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from Tom Sokolowski – Pickup Line
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
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from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy Saint Patrick's Day
Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony comes into the throne
room and shouts, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty Caesar!" Julius jumps up
from his throne and angrily shouts, "How dare you hail while I am
reigning!"
RIDDLES
What did one arithmetic book say to the other arithmetic book?
"Boy, do I have problems!"
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
"Am I exhausted!"
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball.
What did the thief do at the goose farm?
He took a gander
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
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from Barbara Rosenberg – The Polite Way to Pee
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students thefollowing question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted . . .
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from Nancy Roth – Monkey Experiment
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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result: all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
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from Tom Sokolowski – True or False?
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Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every ten years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12 . 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.they are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.
Happy Guessing! Now scroll down & see the answer. You will be surprised.
They're all true - even #16!
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from Chas Young – Irish Sausages
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"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish by any chance?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his theme, he went on,"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
"Would ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in a hardware store.”
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from
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For those of you in foreign lands, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was implicated in a prostitution ring on Monday. He resigned on Wednesday. And today is Friday! What took so long for these to appear!
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from Dick Sziede -
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The moment could be right!!!! A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- chec ker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
12.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
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from Aunt Marilyn - Don't Fart in Bed
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If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. ??? She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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