21 March 2008
Hi Everyone!
They’re great! Thanks everyone – have a super dooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom Sokolowski - Man’s Best Friend
Paul Keister – Of Course This Isnt Any of Us!
Stan Kegel – The Shoplifter
Chas Young – How to Stop Them from Knocking!
Paul Keister – After 20+ Years of Marriage
Syman – The Prisoners
Maureen Zack – St Patty’s Day Is Here …
Maureen Zack – Bank Robber
Aunt Marilyn, Tom Sokolowski and Maureen Zack – Government Handout
Alan Knight – The Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Man’s Best Friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – Of Course This Isnt Any of Us!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – The Shoplifter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man who lived in the heart of the city was not quite completely honest. Oh, he never had stolen a car, or anything like that. However, he would go to stores, and shoplift small (would-be) purchases -- such as candy.
On one occasion, he had 'lifted a T-shirt, gone into the bathroom, removed the tabs and put it on underneath his sport shirt, so as to look the same as when he arrived there.
One afternoon, the clerk noticed him procuring the goods he wanted, and then going out of the store without paying for them. She immediately put in a phone call to the police dept.
The two Officers arrived there, took a description of the youngster, and while one of them took the report from the clerk, the other pursued him down the street. "Hey, you!" yelled the Officer, "stop in the name of the Law!" The young fellow turned back, to see who was calling him.
At that time, he approached an area where the sidewalk had been patched, and the cement was still wet. He tripped over the barricade, landed in the wet concrete, and the Officer apprehended him.
Due to the length of time it took him to go through the booking procedure, the cement dried on his clothes, his arms, and even some on his face! I suppose you could say that as of that date, he became a hardened criminal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – How to Stop Them from Knocking!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – After 20+ Years of Marriage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
" I found the remote," he mumbled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman – The Prisoners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Prisoners: -From Stan Kegel-
During World War II, the captured Allied Agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break.
On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Rourke said, "We were so careful. How did they ever catch us?"
The German replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – St Patty’s Day Is Here …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? ?? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – Bank Robber
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.?
To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line,"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him in the head and kills him.?
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn, Tom Sokolowski and Maureen Zack – Government Handout
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, the profit will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, the money will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, the money will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap, the money will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
Thank you for your help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Knight – The Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom Sokolowski - Man’s Best Friend
Paul Keister – Of Course This Isnt Any of Us!
Stan Kegel – The Shoplifter
Chas Young – How to Stop Them from Knocking!
Paul Keister – After 20+ Years of Marriage
Syman – The Prisoners
Maureen Zack – St Patty’s Day Is Here …
Maureen Zack – Bank Robber
Aunt Marilyn, Tom Sokolowski and Maureen Zack – Government Handout
Alan Knight – The Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Man’s Best Friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – Of Course This Isnt Any of Us!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – The Shoplifter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man who lived in the heart of the city was not quite completely honest. Oh, he never had stolen a car, or anything like that. However, he would go to stores, and shoplift small (would-be) purchases -- such as candy.
On one occasion, he had 'lifted a T-shirt, gone into the bathroom, removed the tabs and put it on underneath his sport shirt, so as to look the same as when he arrived there.
One afternoon, the clerk noticed him procuring the goods he wanted, and then going out of the store without paying for them. She immediately put in a phone call to the police dept.
The two Officers arrived there, took a description of the youngster, and while one of them took the report from the clerk, the other pursued him down the street. "Hey, you!" yelled the Officer, "stop in the name of the Law!" The young fellow turned back, to see who was calling him.
At that time, he approached an area where the sidewalk had been patched, and the cement was still wet. He tripped over the barricade, landed in the wet concrete, and the Officer apprehended him.
Due to the length of time it took him to go through the booking procedure, the cement dried on his clothes, his arms, and even some on his face! I suppose you could say that as of that date, he became a hardened criminal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – How to Stop Them from Knocking!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – After 20+ Years of Marriage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
" I found the remote," he mumbled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman – The Prisoners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Prisoners: -From Stan Kegel-
During World War II, the captured Allied Agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break.
On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Rourke said, "We were so careful. How did they ever catch us?"
The German replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – St Patty’s Day Is Here …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? ?? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – Bank Robber
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.?
To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line,"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him in the head and kills him.?
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn, Tom Sokolowski and Maureen Zack – Government Handout
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, the profit will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, the money will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, the money will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap, the money will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
Thank you for your help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Knight – The Secretary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.
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