5 June 2008
Hi Everyone!
GREAT is GREAT! Thanks everyone and have a terrific weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Chas Young – The Helicopter Ride
- Neil Stenlake – Ralphs Surgery
- EMDAlan – Aussie Barbie Game
- Maureen Zack – POOF
- Tom Sokolowski – Calmness in Our Lives
- cousin Garry Lederman – Wal-Mart
- SYMAN – Poached Lobsters
- Tom Sokolowski – A Magazine for Married Men
- Jackster – How Long Will You Live
- Barbara Rosenberg - All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!!!
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(from Chas Young – The Helicopter Ride
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Levi and his wife Esther went to the local show every year and every year Levi would say "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied "I know Levi but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Esther and Levi went to the fair and Levi said "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter I might never get another chance."
To this Esther replied "Levi, that helicopter is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said "Listen folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word it's fifty bucks."
Levi and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Levi and said "By golly! I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm really impressed!'
Levi replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
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(from Neil Stenlake – Ralphs Surgery
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When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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(from EMDAlan –Aussie Barbie Game
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First out loses.
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(from Maureen Zack - POOF
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Calmness in Our Lives
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I am sharing this with you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace
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(from cousin Garry Lederman – Wal-Mart
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
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(from SYMAN – Poached Lobsters
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Poached Lobster: -From jokefiles2@lycos.com-
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle as these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
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(from Tom Sokolowski – A Magazine for Married Men
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(from Jackster – How Long Will You Live
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This is pretty interesting. Watch the age prediction on the top right of the screen change as you answer the various questions.
Click below: AND BE HONEST WITH YOUR ANSWERS.... http://www.nmfn.com/tnetwork/longevity_game_popup.html
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!!!
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An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more
special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure
my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the
bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
my weekend'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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