8 August 2008
Hi Everyone!
A bit late today … but better late than never! And they’re great! You rush a good fRIDAY fUNNIES issue! Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
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· Maureen Zack – Olympics Speech
· Clark Kidd – the Pond
· Stan Kegel – Vegas Luck
· Jackster – Personalized GPS
· Frank Ingrassia – Our New Dollar Bill
· Fred Silver - Little Johnny
· EMDAlan – A Boys First Condom
· Cousin Gaylannie – 3 Grandmas
· Barbara Rosenberg – Oxymorons
· Stevedds – What a Song!
· Lonny Rosenberg – 6 Truths of Life
· Gerry Rusthoven – Women
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(from Maureen Zack – Olympics Speech
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Flagging off the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games Prez George Bush Begins his Speech :
He begins with "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear:
"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
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(from Clark Kidd – the Pond
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and
look it over, as he hadn't been there in awhile.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned,
'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator '
Old men can still think fast.
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(from Stan Kegel – Vegas Luck
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A guy is strolling down the street in Vegas when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies; "I've had terrible luck my whole life, I just wish I could have some good luck for a change."
"And so it shall be" says the genie as he disappears in a puff of smoke.
So off the guy strolls, wondering if this will really change his life, when he spies $10 on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing list, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 odds. He puts the $10 on the nose, and what do you know, the horse comes in first.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the nearest casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1,010 on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures of any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl...
so he's ushered into one of the rooms and in strolls the most gorgeous Indian woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl,
"You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am to be with you. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see my caste mark gone, then please scratch it off."
So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
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(from Jackster – Personalized GPS
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(from Frank Ingrassia – Our New Dollar Bill
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Given what's happening with the economy these days, the Treasury department has issued a new dollar bill:
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(from Fred Silver - Little Johnny
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Watch this and then read below....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVgT__TZNdQ
A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans..
Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a McCain fan.'
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a McCain fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.'
The teacher asked why he's a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.'
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a McCain fan.'
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(from EMDAlan – A Boys First Condom
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time .'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on ?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted !
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(from cousin Gaylannie – 3 Grandmas
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Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - Oxymorons
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State Worker
Exact Estimate
Act Naturally
Found Missing
Religous Tolerance
Genuine Imitation
Airline Food
Good Grief
Government Organization
Sanitary Landfill
Alone Together
Small Crowd
Business Ethics
Soft Rock
Military Intelligence
Sweet Sorrow
"Now, Then..."
Passive Aggression
Clearly Misunderstood
Peace Force
Extinct Life
Plastic Glasses
Terribly Pleased
Computer Security
Political Science
Tight Slacks
Pretty Ugly
Working Vacation
Microsoft Works
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(from Stevedds – What a Song!
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http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e342cda815
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(from Lonny Rosenberg – 6 Truths of Life
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6 truths of life:
1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3) The first truth is a lie.
4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.
5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6) There's still a stupid smile on your face.
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(from Gerry Rusthoven - Women
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'N o,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk cartons!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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