Hi Everyone!
A doctor’s appointment this past Friday made it impossible to get these out to you … so I really hope that you had a great weekend without them … and now, with this issue, you can start your work week off cracking up!
Be terrific … and enjoy the last days of summer while they’re still here!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Stan Kegel – Weakly Humerus News
- Chas Young – Simple Tests
- cousin gaylannie – The Jewish Bra
- Elyse – Jewish Holidays
- another from Elyse – Bush’s Olympic Speech
- Mark Colman - Always check your child's homework!!!
- Don – What’s in a Name?
- Irving4 – Returning to Italy
- Tom Sokiolowski – Democrats are more Ethical ..
- Neil Stenlake – Good Lesson in English Expression
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(from Stan Kegel – Weakly Humerus News
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Jamaican Usain Bolt shattered the world record in the men's 100 meter dash to win the gold medal over the weekend. The only person in the world faster than Bolt is John McCain running away from George Bush.
(William Hale)
Russia's invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy. (Argus Hamilton)
After the Olympics, the Chinese will be converting the Great Wall into the world's longest shopping center. It will be titled the Great Mall of China. (Author Unknown)
Morgan Stanley has been hired to help the government fix mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Isn't that like Paris Hilton going to Britney Spears for acting lessons? (Jim Barach)
The former President of Chad has been sentenced to death for crimes against the state. His execution could result in his becoming a hanging Chad. (Jim Barach)
A study says that runners live longer and stay healthier than people who don't exercise. Next they will be telling us that people who read more tend to be smarter. (Jim Barach)
Wal-Mart's hourly employees complained Friday that managers of the company told them that they should vote for McCain. Employees thought it was outrageous; years of working for the company and the owners still don't know illegals can't vote! (Pedro Bartes)
On TV, a U. S. political expert said we should lower the voting age to 16. Hey, why stop at 16? By the time this election is over -- I have a feeling we're all gonna be wishing we were wearing diapers. (Toms Lake Humor Company)
President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal. There was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested he should have it bronzed. (Alex Kaseberg)
At the Beijing Olympics, Misty May-Traenor and Kerry Walsh defeated China to win the gold medal in women?s beach volleyball in the pouring rain. How many chances to you get to see a great beach volleyball gold medal win and a wet t-shirt contest at the same time? (Alex Kaseberg)
McCain said Thursday that money is not everything and that he knows billionaires that are not happy. Just like his wife, Cindy, every time she has to change his diapers. (Pedro Bartes)
Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They're ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs - and that's just for Bill Clinton's room. (Craig Ferguson)
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(from Chas Young – Simple Tests
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1. How fast are your reactions?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
2. So you think you could be a fighter pilot!
http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html
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(from cousin gaylannie – The Jewish Bra
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A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City
.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife Size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the
differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
Bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills
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(from Elyse – Jewish Holidays
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A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hanukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."
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(another from Elyse – Bush’s Olympic Speech
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President Bush was using a teleprompter to rehearse his speech for the
Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He began with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
His speech writer immediately rushed over to the lectern and whispered in
the President's ear:
"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
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(from Mark Colman – Always’s Check Your Child’s Homework
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(from Don – What’s in a Name?
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we have to leave. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
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(from Irving4 – Returning to Italy
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Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy
After a two year visit to the United States , Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . .
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(from Tom Sokiolowski – Democrats are more Ethical ..
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I believe the democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.
John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the democrat convention for having an affair and lying about it.
In his place Bill Clinton will be speaking.
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(from Neil Stenlake – Good Lesson in English Expression
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WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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